Occupational Hazards of Parenting..... #22 Date Night... or lack thereof.

I'll make this short and sweet...

The date is 12.10.14.   11 years ago today, I walked into a local bar.   I knew that I was going to meet someone there.   We had "known" each other for a few years...... virtually.   We had never met face to face.  Without getting into that crazy (yet pretty entertaining) story, we had made arrangements to hang out while friends of mine hung out for our typical Wednesday karaoke antics.

It was supposed to be a typical night.  It was just a bunch of friends hanging out and singing songs.

I walked in, saw him sitting at the end of the bar, and walked right by him as if I had no idea.   I found my friends at the other end of the bar and then he found us.   We hung out... he drank Coors light (huh????)....we sang karaoke.  He sang "A brand new man" by Brooks and Dunn and most likely a song or 2 by Huey Lewis.   I sang my typical Joan Jett jam, "I love Rock and Roll."

We had a good time.

We hung out a few times in the next few weeks.... I like karaoke...

Our first big date was backstage/front row Brooks and Dunn.

We have since worked several different jobs, lived in a few different places, and purchased more cars than most people purchase in a lifetime.  I couldn't even find all of the cars.....trucks...vans...

We got hitched and had 2 kids.....

We have had a year of struggles and surgeries and nonsense.  We average less than 1 date per year. Between normal hubbub of life and everything we've had to deal with recently, shit's insane.  It's time to go back to a simpler time....at least for a few hours.

I heard this song last year.... She could have been writing it about me.   We met on a Wednesday, in a Cafe (The Lucky Dog Cafe).... I think she could substitute Jimmy Buffett or Michael Bolton for James Taylor though....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMPEd8m79Hw

I probably enjoy 12.10 more than our actual wedding anniversary for 2 reasons:

• I hate weddings
• If we didn't meet, we would have never gotten married

In honor of 12/10/03, I'll meet you at the Lucky Dog tomorrow night @ 10 PM....   Thanks to our cousin who will make sure the monsters don't burn the place down.   

Have a drink ready for me.  I won't walk past you this time......Cheers.  I love you.  

P.S. - This was supposed to be even cooler, but because no one within a 300 mile radius has a USB cable to get things off of my old hard drive, I had to improvise.

Occupational Hazard #21 -- Toddlers and Technology: Childhood when your mom is a G33K.

I'm pretty sure it was Christmas 1983 when I got an Atari 2600.   If it was Xmas 1983, I was 4 years old.   I had a pretty nice set up going....   The latest technology greats in the form of Pac Man, Combat, BurgerTime, RiverRaid, Pitfall, etc etc.  I guess the earlier games were spelling and shape games with this HUGE Sesame Street controller.  I can remember using it to catch eggs from these chutes, before they hit the ground.    My dad had rigged up a box with a light switch, so I could easily turn on the Atari and TV without having to reach the actual controls.  I'm blaming my Pop for the constant need for technology in my life.   I had it figured out at the age of 4 that I heart technology.

Fast forward 30 years to Christmas 2013.  I now have a 5 year old and a 2 year old.  They know how to use my iPad, iPhone and can navigate the TV to switch inputs to turn on the Wii.   Once the Wii is on, they can play games or watch Netflix.   Sure, there have been a number of times where I have shoved my phone at them while we were out in public, while I'm trying to get something accomplished at home, while in the car, etc to ward off a meltdown......  or at least delay it.   This was fine with I only had 1 of them doing this.....  now BG NEEDS to play her food games....she NEEDS to destroy all of my lives in Candy Crush and Pet Rescue Saga.....  But then there are times she doesn't really want to do anything with the phone/iPad, but she DOES want the phone so her sister doesn't have it.

I decided (I usually make most of the technology decisions in our house b/c my husband knows I am the self proclaimed "guru") they needed a tablet for Christmas.   Yes, BG was only almost 2 1/2, but KT started to really start playing things around 2 1/2....maybe she was a little young, but it was worth it not to hear her scream that she wanted the toy her big sister had.  If we only got one, I STILL wouldn't be able to use my own damn iPad...so I was on the hunt.

We purchased the Galaxy Tab 3 7" for both girls.... I had a Galaxy phone at one point and BK still has the S4, so we knew they'd be able to adapt easily.   After a few days, and Android's lack to lock down "free" purchases, KT gave me her tablet to charge and I saw she had a new app on there.  It was a photo of a woman's ass, wearing a thong.   When I pressed on it, I heard in your best 1-900 voice, "Do you like sweets?  Play candy crush to satisfy that sweet tooth."   Uh.... the Tabs were back that night and returned for the Nabi2 - Disney option.   3 trips, and a LOT of swearing later, they were returned since I had significant hardware issues with them.   On top of that, the kids KNEW they were "kid tablets" and still went for my damn iPad.    We bit the bullet and got them EACH an iPad mini.  Disgusting, I know.....but it was really the best option... they love them.   The other annoying thing is that we walked into our house in December 2009 and I said, "let's make an offer" about 30 seconds in the door.  We knew this house is the one we wanted without any discussion, reflection, etc....  Meanwhile, I spent a disgusting amount of hours looking at reviews, visiting stores, returning devices, setting up the tablets, testing and troubleshooting.....   Something may be backwards here...... but it is what it is.

Before you start thinking that kids don't need these things, kids need boxes.  Kids need to run around outside....kids need books.... kids blah blah blah.  I know all that stuff.  Believe me, we have boxes.  We have dirt, we have a driveway to ride bikes and color with sidewalk chalk.   However, we are suffering the most hellish winter I can recall here in PA, so some of these other things are good to have to break up the boring monotony of winter.

We've had our iPad minis now for just about 2 months.  I have already seen some major improvement with BG.   She has been delayed in the speech department.   I really think that some of the apps on there (announcing colors, shapes, food, numbers, etc) have been a benefit to her development.  I know and realize this is not a replacement for human/motherly interaction....however, there are certain things she has been able to accomplish with the device already that I am really surprised.  Also, these devices are not known as iPads here.....  BG calls them PiePads, so that's what we all call them.....

Since Christmas, I have witnessed this nonsense/entertainment:

• The girls like to take the iPads in the car (sometimes to the sitter's house, who lives less than 4 miles away).   Whatever gets us out of the house easier, I'm all about it. BG was trying to play a Mickey App she likes and was getting frustrated because it wasn't working.  KT said in her MOST annoyed voice, "THE APP DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE THE CAR DOESN'T HAVE INTERNET!  YOU KNOW, WI-FI?"  With that, BG said, "inner it?"   Now every day, she attempts to stream Mickey from the backseat and says, "No Inner it, Mommy.   Mickey no work."   
• The other week, I could hear BG messing around with Siri.  (Siri's Beep) BG: "PAY BABBA."  Siri: "I don't understand."  BG: "PAY BABBA."   Siri: "Hey, JCK."  BG: "PAY BABBA."  Siri: "Hey, Bye."   ........THUMP iPad hits floor.   She's pissed.   Apparently, BG was paying attention in the car once when I was trying to calm the savage beast.   She was freaking and I was driving, so I asked Siri to play Yo Gabba Gabba......  Only Siri understood me....  
• My mother recently updated her iPad (1st gen) to the Air.   When we set up her knew iPad from her last backup on the 1st gen iPad, I think she may have used 1 or MAYBE 2 GB of space....   I have to delete ridiculous apps on their devices on a daily basis.   300 "pet vet" apps, which give you minimal ability to help cure animals without spending a fortune to "unlock" other animals/tools etc.    How many pedicure apps do you think are in the App Store?  I'm pretty sure it's about 500 and we've got 90% of them.   It is a damn shame that we have to have such file management for these 2, yet others never fill 16GB of hard drive space after years with a device.
• Speaking of my mother and her iPad Air, she now has FaceTime.  BG knows how to navigate the iPad to pull from the drop down of recent items/notifications and knows to select the icon for FaceTime.   From there, she knows G is Grammy (since she only has 4 contacts to choose from in her iPad).   I set the girls up with their own FT email address......   I was getting dinner one night, when I thought, "What is that ringing/bell sound?"   All of the sudden, I heard my mother...."Hello?  Hello?"   BG called her and was having a conversation..... well a "conversation," but she was yapping away....    Other times, she calls and then puts the iPad down.....   while my mother or one of my sisters hangs on the other end.   She feeds them (puts food up to their mouth on the iPad) and once she had my sister "watch tv" with her.     KT on the other hand, now has a rule that "if mommy is sleeping or if she's SUPPOSED to be sleeping, no FT."   KT is REALLY good at getting up at 6 AM and just doing her thing.... watch some tv, play with dolls, play with her iPad and evidently, try to FaceTime family members.   She's done well with abiding to the "only FT folks during normal hours" rule.

• Photos.....   these things have cameras.    This happens:

• KT says she wants to be like Mommy and make "holla videos."   She's grown up watching my friends make complete asses of ourselves...... for the sake of fun, for friends.   Sorry, Paige....but you made the video.....   https://vimeo.com/86960128   - password for this video is piepad
  (Insert shameless plug for Mommy's YouTube nonsense:  http://www.youtube.com/alsumholla )
• Speaking of youtube.....
• MattyB:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei6CPsCGMkM   and  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NK6BCPoR40A and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGABwm9lCIc
• GummyBear : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0
• As if the original wasn't bad enough:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daY2rKk_1Hc

Occupational Hazard #20 - The Working Mom spends the morning in Pre-K

My (newly) 5 year old daughter is one of those kids who missed the September cutoff for Kindergarten, so she had to wait another year before entering.  She went to a preschool last year that we all loved very much.  Due to the ease of travel for this year, we switched her to another highly rated preschool in our area..... She has a good time there, and seems to learn a lot.  Because I work full time, I can only get her from school on Fridays and we have an entourage of people who help out for Mondays and Wednesdays it seems.   It all works out fine, and I'm very thankful of that.   I'm also very thankful to have a great job, that I (for the most part) enjoy.  They are also forgiving and allow me to partake in some events here and there with KT's class as long as I make up my work at home or stay after at work to get things done.   Since I'm so busy, I don't get to do this often, but I decided last month that I really should make an appearance.   I am off on Fridays, but I have the little Monster with me, and she doesn't make anything easy when it comes to cooperation.   I couldn't imagine going on any sort of field trip or doing something in the class without BG tearing the joint down, having a temper tantrum or punching some kid in the face.  On Wednesdays, the kids do this activity called "Kidwriting" and they ask for parent volunteers to come in and help with the kids.   Because things could change on a dime at work, with BG or another kid at the sitter's, I waited until the night before to tell KT I was coming into her class.... I was even afraid then because the last thing I wanted was to finally try and participate and have to cancel for some reason.   Anyway, it worked out that we dropped BG off at the sitter's and boogied over to school.  

I hear the "Why do all of the other moms come on field trips/volunteer in school/provide crafts and snacks and you don't?" all of the time, so I felt like I was scoring some points on the Mommy Meter....  I was trying not to think about the ton of stuff I had to do at work later that day....  so for 45 minutes, I was in Pre-K mode.

Here's the thing.... while I love my kids more than anything or anyone in this entire world, I'm not the biggest fan of other kids.   They're pretty annoying.   Sure, we have close friends and I love all of their kids and care for them as I would my own.   However, I'm not one of the bubbly personality types to be overly gaggy towards kids just because they're young and cute.   I talk to my kids like I'd talk to other people, with the exception of a couple funny words they say incorrectly that crack me up.   Right now, KT's thing is eating "Silver Buds" (Wilbur Buds) and BG likes to play on my PiePad (ipad).... so in our house, we have Silver Buds and PiePads.

We walked in and KT started to talk a mile a minute..... Here's my owl (They have name tags shaped like owls that they hang on the tree to say they're "there."  Here's my cubby; you can put your phone there. Here's where I play.   This is my friend _____ .   (Friend), this is my mommy.   On and on and on....

The teacher came over to talk to me and asked if I was here for kidwriting.   I thought, "Jesus, I signed up for the wrong day."   I said, "yes" and she instructed me as to where I needed to sit and what I needed to do.   I sat down in the dollhouse sized furniture (really accommodating for a 6' tall person), and just watched the kids.   They were all to sit at the seat with their specific book, draw a picture on top of the page and then choose an activity to play until we were ready to do their "writing."   We would call each kid over and write a sentence that described the picture they drew.  The teacher does a great job with teaching them certain concepts like "th"sound is a tongue sandwich and words that end with -ing are friends with the King of Ing.....    I quickly found out that best way to get them to say the letter U was to say "uhhh uhhhh Uhhhh-nderwear."    They all thought it was hysterical.   There were also a number of "sight words" on the board with things that were relevant for that time of year.... for instance, they had Halloween, Christmas, tree, etc. Our goal was to get them to write on the paper exactly what they heard when they said the words.   It didn't really matter at this point if they spelled things like iz for is (although they did have a specific is trick too which I forget).   We would get them to write out the sentence and then we went over it with them to tell them what they did right and where they could fix certain things...   Honestly, they about half cared and really wanted to go play this board game that involved flipping frogs into a barrel....

During the explanation of the activity, I also got the old "It's really nice when working mom's take some time to include themselves in the classroom and take an interest into what their kids are doing in school" lecture/statement.   I swear sometimes when I pick KT up on Fridays, she purposely asks me who I'm there to get.....  to make it seem like I'm never around.....  sigh.   I just smiled and said, "glad to be here."

By this time, most of the pictures were drawn and kids were all over the room.   My kid was screaming as her frogs narrowly missed the bucket.... she was told 3 times to use her indoor voice.   Proud moment....as I sat there, looking like a giant on this baby chair.

My first kid was my own....  She drew a Christmas Tree.   I asked what her sentence was and she said, "This is my Christmas Tree."   I thought, "fantastic, let's write."   We start sounding, Th-- Thhh --Thh "TONGUE SANDWICH," she screamed....  I scoffed at her to shut her yapper, but that she was right.  We got This is and then she went to "my" and I thought she'd say mi, but got the y right....  It's some kind of tricky why nonsense story, but hey, she remembered and she wrote it.... Then she turned to the wall, "Christmas tree is right there."   I said, "How nice of you to have almost half of the words on the board so you don't have to think about sounding them out."   She smiled, "DONE!"   She was allowed to get her sticker and go back to the frogs.

The next kid came to me with the same picture as KT's.   I forget his name, but I said, "What's your sentence, buddy?"  He said, "This is my Christmas Tree."  Awesome....I got experience with this one..

Th Th Tongue Sand---  TH  --  and on we went.  I tried to be nice and cheerful with him, but he didn't care about kidwriting.   He wanted to go play on the computer.   We did our sentence with little conversation and he was on his way.

My 3rd kid was a girl.   "What's your sentence?"  "This is my rainbow Christmas Tree."   For the love of God....  I asked another teacher if they always have the same sentence all morning....they said, "typically no, but since it's before xmas, I guess this is the deal."

Th Th --- Tongue sandwich....  She looks at me, "I can count to 1000."   My response, "Awesome, well that's math... this is kid writing, so we'll count to 1000 when y'all do math.   Let's figure out how to spell 'this.'"   She FRANTICALLY writes a T..... then she writes H in a way I'd never seen it before....  upside down u, and then the straight line....  we get to the end of This -- issss  isssss issss  eh eh like igloo....  sssss    she scribbles IS with a death grip on the pencil.   I'm not sure if she's gonna keep writing or stab me...   we get to IS....   ehhh ehhh Igloo.....  she said IS AGAIN!?   "yep."   She got My with no difficulty, but then started with the questions, "You're KT's mom?"   "Yes, I am."   "I never saw you before."   "this is my first time here."   "You don't pick her up?"   "I do on Friday.  Rainbow...."  I'm thinking "shit, this is gonna take me hours."

She writes a lower case r, but it looked more like a lower case n.....   She goes to erase and her pencil has no eraser.   I go find her an eraser....   the pencil is skinny and not think like the one without an eraser....  We talk about that for a few minutes.   After writing a lower case r 5 times and erasing it, we finally got it on the 6th try.   They even have a printout of all of the letters......  She was really a nice kid, but I totally don't have the patience to be a teacher... I found it out that morning.   We got Christmas tree thanks to the awesome sight words board.... and she was outta there.   A high 5 and a sticker and I was onto the next one.

I was wondering if the teacher picks the kids who go with the moms specifically.... I would.... I'd be shipping off the rainbow tree girl to each mom every week.

Next was the cutest little girl.   She sat down and was very petite....her hair and clothes were adorable.   I could tell she was pretty smart just from talking to her at first......   Then I looked at her picture...

"What is this picture?"  
"I drew Joseph and Mary in the stable with the Lord, Baby Jesus."

I'm thinking about how we can simplify this.... and she said, "You're KT's mom?"   "Yep."  "You're the one who won't let her go to lunch box club?"   (Some Mondays after school, kids can stay with a packed lunch and do activities.   We haven't done this yet b/c her sitter gets her on Mondays and she's got a schedule that doesn't mesh with Lunch Box Club.   We had discussed this, but just never got around to it).   "It's not that she's not allowed to come.   I just work kinda far away and her baby sitter picks her up after school at regular time because she's over this way to pick up her son from kindergarten."     "Oh, you can't come get her because you work?"   "Yea... I know, it's tough..."  Then  I thought to myself, "why do I feel the need to explain myself to this kid?"

"Let's get your sentence together.   OK, how about, 'Here is baby Jesus?'"

Thankfully, she agreed....

She pretty much just wrote out "here is baby" without me doing anything.....   I look around at the sight words... CLEARLY Jesus has to be on there.   It's a very religious school......  Nope, no Jesus....
OK, Juh Juh Juh"    She writes J.   EEEEEEZZZZZ   EEEZZZZ  JEEEZZZZZ....   She wrote Jeezus..

Perfect.

We went over the correct way to spell it, she got her sticker and I was wiped out.

By this time, it's almost 9:45 AM and now I'm starting sweat about the work I need to do at work.....  I excuse myself (all of the kids were done).... Gave KT a hug and was outta there....

She really liked that I came to help, and I'm glad I did too....but I was also glad to get back to my hermit geek squad nerd self back at the office with my earphones in my ears and computers at my fingertips.

Occupational Hazard of Parenting #19 - This won't be like this for long......

When KT was born, Darius Rucker (AKA Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish) released a song called, "This won't be like this for long."  Here I was, post partum (not depressed, but just plain ole hormonal), and there's a damn song on the radio every 3 seconds about this brand new father to a baby girl, and she's a fussy baby and they're adjusting to the new parenthood thing........   and before you know it, she's in preschool and then she's grown up and married and gone.   THE END.   In less than 5 minutes, this brand new baby is out on her own, doing her thing, living in other states, and you're sitting there alone, wondering where the hell the time went.

This is simply too much for a new mother to even think about comprehending, so here I was, driving around the town, with a quiet baby in the backseat (she was such a good baby in the car, quite different from her younger sister), SOBBING as if I was 6 years old and someone shot my dog.  I am pretty sure she hadn't yet slept through the night...let alone walked, talked, went to the potty, rode a bike, went to school, played sports, drove a car, went to prom, etc etc etc etc.....  And BOOM she was out of my life.  
Enter the second verse.....  this baby girl is 4 years old.....   she's crawling up in bed..... she's going to preschool and doesn't want to go.  She's scared and sad....but then all of the sudden, she gets over it and doesn't miss her parents at all...she doesn't need us anymore!    Seriously!  Tears.....  

I'm listening to this song and seeing this face and wondering why the hell the world is so cruel and that she's going to leave me and won't need me anymore.....

Fast forward nearly 5 years.    This same little girl is going to be 5 in a month and a half.   I do not believe it.   This is her second year of preschool.   She'll be in kindergarten next year.   

I'm driving home today, and this song came on SiriusXM..... I saw it on the radio (they flash the name/artist) before the song started to play and cracked a smile.   I thought.... I got this.

2 notes into the song...I'm inconsolable...     

I guess some things never change.   I am pretty sure that I'll never be able to hear that song and not thing of her in the backseat of my Honda Civic.... I'm OK with that too....   

The second verse came around and I can't believe she's 4 (almost 5).   I can't believe she's already done the walking, talking, the crawling, potty training, she loves school.  She's so perfect..... well.... I guess she has her moments, but who doesn't?  

Whenever she did wake up in the middle of the night (which was infrequently), I never did get upset because they were some of the most fun, most cuddly times.....   I guess that's why sometimes, even though I am exhausted, I can laugh at the fact that our 2 year old never sleeps and just wants to hang out....  some day she'll sleep....some day she'll be in college too, so I am just gonna enjoy our time.... whether it's snoozing in separate rooms or watching Yo Gabba Gabba in the middle of the night!  

I am gonna just chill with my "baby" BG while she's still "small."   Before I know it, she'll be in school too....  Thank God I'm gonna be an Aunt soon..... When you're in the thick of it, you think this is going to be your life forever....   changing diapers, giving baths, late night feedings, temper tantrums, fighting to get them dressed/hair brushed/teeth brushed/in bed/out of bed/wear a coat, etc etc etc etc etc etc.... but in reality, it's a blip of time.

Damn you, Hootie.  :-)   Seriously, the best song ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5zCaRaJ-kE

Occupational Hazard #18 - Fire Company Carnivals

It's been awhile since I've blogged here.  I've got a list of topics to blog about longer than the list of things I need to do around the house, and had already set in my mind that I was going to blog about one of those particular topics tonight.   That was before our family excursion last night.....  So like everything else, that topic (along with a few others) had to take a backseat and this new, fresh, traumatic memory got the nod.

We live in South Central PA and it's "fair season" here in these parts.  My husband is from South Central IL and this is a new phenomenon to him.   Well, not new anymore, since he's lived in PA for nearly 15 years or so, but it still is a concept he has yet to grasp.

Many of the "carnivals" or "fairs" around here are at Fire Companies.  Some are larger than others.  Some have rides.  Most have games.  They ALL have food.  When I was a kid, I remember my mom taking us to the Tomato Festival in a teeny tiny river town, Washington Boro, PA.   We used to play in the playground that was home to this fair other times of the year, but the Tomato Festival was definitely a momentous occasion.   I can remember playing the games as a kid and probably getting some food and having a good time.   There were no rides, but the games were pretty fun and it was a bonus if we could go with a few friends.   Several years had gone by and I can remember going one year - I was probably 20-22 - with an old buddy from elementary school.   We laughed that the people, played a few games, had good food...it was fun.   This fair actually runs for 2 consecutive Saturday nights....they usually had a band....  It is always in the middle of July, so it's so hot you can barely stand it, but that's all part of it.

Our first year back in Lancaster (2010), we had KT -- at the time she was about 19 months old or so.  I remember we went to the fair and she was too young to know what was going on, BK was not interested in this type of function and it was pretty much a dud.  We got some food, didn't stay long and came back home.   I was kind of upset that it wasn't the world's best time, but I figured that KT was still young...give it a few years.

We didn't go the year I was pregnant with BG (2011) or last year (2012) because it was not really an option because BG wasn't up to really doing anything yet at this point last year.  I didn't want to torture myself.   If I remember, the weather was rainy the one week and I think the other weekend, we were busy or I just didn't have the gusto to try to accomplish this task.

So that brings us to yesterday.   7.13.13. Here we are, a family of 4.   A 4 1/2 year old experienced fair attendee and frequent flyer at both of our local amusement parks, Dutch Wonderland and Hersheypark.  We've got a nearly 2 year old who has already hit her terrible twos, but can usually be pacified by some food and entertainment while in her stroller -- as long as we keep moving.  A 39 year old father, fresh off back surgery, who has been having a REALLY difficult time, cutting short his already short temper and patience reserves.   Me, an almost (gag) 34 year old mother, tired from staying up too late the night before with my cousin and friends, but hell bent on making this fucking Tomato Festival the whirlwind of a good time it was for me as a child.

The temp was about 98 with 150% humidity.  I just got my hair done that day, and my hair dresser applied some extra good product to keep from frizz... this would surely put it to the test.  BK had spent the majority of the day in bed.   Firstly, he took the AM shift with BG....who had just been transferred to her toddler bed the night prior.   She slept all night, but was up at 5:15 AM, ready to watch "T" (tv).  He hung out with her until 7 AM, and then for the most part was in bed till my hair appointment at 12:45.   At that point, BG went for a nap, so he lounged with our 4 year old until I got back.  I got him out of bed shortly after 4 and we were packed up and on our way.

The place was packed (as expected), we strolled our way up this huge hill and I was sweating like a pig right away.   KT saw a bounce house and wanted to bounce.   $2 for that action and she bounced about 30 seconds and said she was "done."   The girls convinced her to go back in b/c she had more time to bounce and she promptly came down the slide and catapulted about 10 feet, twisting her ankle.   Enough of that action, it's not worth getting my "money's worth" of the $2, if we're going to spend the rest of the night in urgent care.

I'm STARVING at this point.   I have nothing on my mind other than food.   Katie wants to win a gold fish.  She wants ice cream.   I had fed them some food before we left, knowing that their choices at the fair wouldn't be what they typically would like to eat.  Even so, we weren't starting out with ice cream.   What would I have to fall on when the meltdowns started?

A big thing at these fire company fairs is chicken corn soup.   It's my favorite soup.   When it's made correctly, I would eat it till I exploded.  Typically, the line for the ccs is out of control.   The line wasn't that bad at the moment when we checked it out, I said "let's go."   They had several windows for BBQ, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken corn soup, etc.   As I maneuver the damn stroller through the sea of people and on to my window (ccs), I grabbed 2.  BK was supposed to stop and get a hot dog on the way, but he didn't.   He wanted fries.   They were in a different part of the building.   Meltdown #1 started at that moment.  This fair has been going on for 56 years.   I am pretty sure they have the "logistics" planned out as to why they have things in certain places.   However, they have a line for the main dishes, a line for the drinks, a line for ice cream and a line for the fries.  I guess I don't think twice about it, because that's how it's been as long as I can remember.  Instead, we get the dissertation from BK about how he hates the way it's set up and it's stupid that the fries are not with the food.   Then KT starts..........."I want ice cream."   BG is a sweaty mess and trying to unfasten her buckle.   We pay for the soup (no hot dogs and go out to try and find a spot to eat.   BK wants to get drinks for KT....the line only has ice tea....  luckily, I packed lemonade in a sippy cup....they each down their drinks in 11 seconds.   I am trying to eat my soup quickly (as I burned off every last taste bud on my tongue) and BG REALLY starts to squirm and fight being in her stroller.  BK is frustrated because now the fry line is a mile long, so he gets in line for a tomato sandwich.   I thought about getting one, but then I saw it was $2.50 a sandwich....  screw that idea... I'll guzzle this boiling hot soup and grab ice cream.

As BK was getting his tomato sandwich (yes, I realize this sounds weird to folks who do not grow up around here, but it's quite normal to fellow Lancastrians), KT REALLY started to grow restless.... I'm shoveling my soup in as fast as possible...it's less hot now....or maybe my tongue is numb from the boiling soup.   I'm trying to stay out of everyone's way, since it's a damn free-for-all with people pushing and shoving to get into food lines and game lines and to put their chairs down in a good spot for the upcoming concert.   KT says "I want ice cream."  Me: "Wait."   KT: "I want a fish."  I gave her $1 to try for a fish.   I'm still trying to eat as fast as possible.   She throws the damn ping pong balls at canon speed, not even getting close to winning a goldfish (totally not sad about that one).    She threw the last ball and the lady asked her if she wanted to try again.  "Yes," said KT.... I was like "woah woah -- we can try again later, let me finish my soup."   She came back to me, whined for money for soup and a fish, and knocked into me.   In slow motion, my soup went up into the air, and landed upside down on BG's head.   Granted, most of it had been eaten and had cooled off...but there were still enough juicy, hot corn bits to land on my kid and make a hell of a mess.  A quarter sized blotch of soup landed on KT's ankle.   She SCREAMED like she'd been set on fire.   People start looking, KT's screaming.  BG's covered in soup and BK is screaming "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED" as he inhaled his tomato/bacon sandwich.  I'm practically in tears and thinking I burned my kids, pissed b/c that soup was REALLY good and realizing that we suck as a family when it comes to doing ANYTHING.

We got under a tree in some shade, I got ice cream for the girls and I continued to try my best to use diaper wipes on BG to try to clean her up....    I flipped out and said that it was pointless for us to even try to do shit like this.   I see friends on facebook take their kids all over God's creation.   They're at fairs, on trips, in restaurants, hiking, camping, etc etc etc etc etc....  I can't even go to a damn firemen's fair without a complete breakdown.   I asked BK how his tomato sandwich was and I quickly got the 4-1-1 on how he didn't even remember eating the sandwich because it was in the middle of me dumping my soup on BG's head.   All he could remember was both of the girls screaming and he tried to stuff the sandwich in his face as quickly as possible.  

After MY temper tantrum, we all ate ice cream and seemed to forget about the fact that BG could have been baked into a corn fritter.   We played a few games, got some tomatoes to take home and bought a piece of watermelon to eat there (which BG and KT wound up wearing)...at this point who freaking cared?

We were at the fair for less than 2 hours..... we all had a meltdown at one point or the other.   We all ate food and some of us got to wear it.   As always, I envision these nice family portraits.   I see friends on fb post all of these perfectly posed pictures.... parents and kids on trips, at fairs, at picnics....  in other places but within their property borders.... instead, this is what we have to work with:

 I couldn't bring it to myself to take a picture of her, covered in soup.   It was pretty much like your worst possible Nickelodeon slime factory/projectile vomit/ corn bath.  She was really freaking out because it was hot -- I'm just thankful it was a good 10 minutes after we bought it and it wasn't right out of the pot.....

 Ice cream makes A LOT of crappy things better....

KT didn't want to leave the fair.   She wanted to play on a swing set that was insanely full of crazy fair folk and their dirty kids.   We explained to her that we have a swing set at our house and her sister was covered with corn, but she didn't really care.   This was the picture I took of her when we got home, when she was pissed we actually did leave the fair and came back home (where there IS a nice swing/play set out back).

At least, during all of this hell, I did manage to get a photo of my newly highlighted hair.... the ENTIRE day wasn't a bust.....

We got back to the car....all sweaty, frustrated, covered in watermelon and corn.  A few years ago, I thought that we only had 1 way to go (improvement) when it came to the tomato fest.  Unfortunately, I failed again at reliving this wonderful childhood memory of mine.   My nerves were shot.   I couldn't handle more whining about leaving, more whining about the junk food she wanted to hear, frustrations about which lines served which food items, whining about BG wanting to get out of her stroller.  The more I try, the more I freaking fail....

Less than 2 miles up the road, BK looks at me and said, "I think we should try to go again next week!"  

He was serious.....  I'm going to need a supply of Xanax and liquor......

Occupational Hazard #17.......... Difficult Days

I write this blog primarily as a tongue in cheek interpretation of the insanity that goes on in our day to day lives as Mommies....

My husband and I were getting ready to go to KT's preschool Christmas Play (her first one ever) this morning when the most unthinkable act I have experienced in my lifetime occurred.  No one really knows the fine details yet, but the bottom line is a 20 year old kid walked into an elementary school in Connecticut today and killed innocent kids, teachers and a principal.   20 children were rushed off to school this morning and those 20 kids aren't home tonight.  Those kids probably have stockings and gifts waiting for them and ornaments on trees at their homes....    I can't even begin to grasp the idea.  I am so upset for these poor families....  I've never met them.  I don't know these kids.  I've never even been to Connecticut.  However, I'm a mom.    You automatically go to that dark place.   What if that was my kid?   You don't want to think about it, but you do.   My heart is absolutely broken.

I can remember 9/11... I was 21.  I wasn't a parent.  I was terrified.... terrified for myself.   The terror that I felt today, terror for my children.   Knowing that there is going to come a time where I have to trust that they'll be safe.  At one time, this would be when they start driving, or when they go off to college or when they're on their own....   This would have never been and SHOULD not be elementary school.  I really have nothing to say, other than I'm heart broken.

With that -- today I'm thankful for:

• whining
• teething
• colic
• stomach bugs
• temper tantrums
• fighting sleep
• clingy kids
• 3 million questions
• picky eaters
• embarrassing questions
• less time with my friends
• stressing about work/home life balance
• dirty diapers
• packing lunches
• baby/kid laundry
• ear infections
• dr appts
• physical/occupational therapy
• toys all over my house
• constantly having dirty dishes in my sink
• bundling kids up in hats/gloves/winter coats
• mismatched kid socks
• taking 30 extra minutes to get out of the house each day
• baby hugs
• baby kisses
• baby giggles
• dancing baby/kids

Occupational Hazard #16....ELF ON A GEE DEE SHELF!

Let me first mention, that our Elf on a Shelf was a gift from my sister for the girls.  It's something that I learned about last year or the year before and thought that one of these years, we could introduce it into our house/lives/insanity.  When my sister asked if I wanted her to get it for us, I was all for it and still am glad she was kind enough to purchase it.....  however, the thought/time/effort into remembering to keep the Elf going each night is definitely worth a blog....

KT's birthday is early Dec (another upcoming blog should definitely be her most recent birthday party) and I feel badly for that because it's freezing, it's close to Christmas AND Thanksgiving.  Since there's SO much going on during that time, I do my best to keep ALL that is Christmas until AFTER her birthday.  Luckily, since I'm never over enthusiastic about decorating for Christmas and because her birthday is just a few days into December, that's not a problem.

THIS year, my sister gave us "ELF" a few weeks before Thanksgiving.   She bought the GIRL version that comes sporting some earrings and eyelashes and she bought a skirt for her to wear.  It just so happens that BK was home one evening while I was getting the girls bathed and ready for bed.  I broke out the book to explain the story of the Elf and KT was actually REALLY intrigued.  I could tell she didn't completely understand what was about to go down, but she was interested and actually cared/understood more than I expected.

Since BK was home that night and the next day (I actually think we put it out for her to find on Thanksgiving), I made the executive decision to unveil the elf.  She spotted her right away and came to wake us up MUCH earlier than necessary on Thanksgiving.   She was excited...so was I.  It was a win/win.

That day, she was thinking about possible names and kept asking a ton of questions:

1. Is she real?
2. Is she frozen?
3. Why can't she move?
4. Can she play games with me if I don't touch her?
5. Does she have green eyes?

OK, so I wasn't figuring on the 20 minute interview on the internal workings of this elf.  It's a damn elf, it watches you, SO FREAKING BE GOOD! 

Not so much.   She wasn't being bad, but she just didn't understand how this elf got to our house and why she was sitting on our pots and pans and why she couldn't be touched and how she's going to get back to Santa........  sigh.

That night, we read the book again.....  talked about how she was a good girl that day and the Elf should relay that message to Santa....  

1. Is tomorrow Christmas?
2. Am I going to get presesnts?
3. Will the Elf move if I'm awake?
4. Where does the Elf go to find Santa?
5. How does she get there?

GO.TO.BED.

The next morning, Katie found "ELF" on (imagine this...) a shelf in the living room.  I figure if I kept her up high, the desire to touch the Elf may actually wear off and she can understand that the Elf is magic and can't be touched, and blah blah....  Day 2, she was named..... Katie came to me and said, "I want to name her Joan Jett Rockstar."  I said, well, Joan Jett is already someone's name and you love her and you also love the song, "Kiss me ONCEEEE," so what about Lita Jett Rockstar?"  

Katie - "YES!!!"

And with that, Lita Jett Rockstar got her name:

OK, so it's now the day after Thanksgiving and I thought to myself.... it's not even December and I have to hide this Elf HOW MANY MORE DAYS?   Praise Jesus for sites like Instagram and Pinterest.  You gotta love people that have entirely too much freaking time on their hands and can think of the most ridic poses/ideas/situations for this damn Elf.

I can count 3 times now that I woke up in the middle of the night and totally forgot to move the damn thing.....came downstairs, found somewhere that requires no thought whatsoever, in the nick of time.  KT loved it....   Whew....I may be getting off easily this year b/c she just wants to make sure Lita Jett comes back.   She doesn't care that I put too much creative effort into finding crap for this thing to actually do....  it's all about working your way into something.   There's NO reason to come out of the gate like GANG busters and use up all the damn good ideas this year while BG is too damn young to know what's going on and the novelty of this creeper elf coming to our house and posing in various places each and every night.

Lita Jett has spent time on the microwave, in in 2 poses on a ceiling fan, on a curtain rod, hanging from a cabinet above the toilet.....   it's all about the KISS method....keep it simple, stupid.

The other night, I started to stalk Pinterest and Instagram.   Honestly, Pinterest is enough to through me into an anxiety attack.   The site annoys me, mostly because often times, people rip off other people's ideas and try to act like they are so damn creative.  I give props to those people that post stuff (either on Pinterest or FB), and get compliments about whatever they did and instead of taking all of the credit, come back with something to the effect of, "I saw it on Pinterest!"   I guess the whole idea of the site is to post stuff to share so others can take part in the fun....people like me who are pretty creative in being sarcastic and can sure put on a good YouTube performance, but can't do a damn thing in the kitchen or with 99% of the merchandise found at AC MOORE.

I thought that I would give this creative thing a shot and I think KT has liked it.  The other night, Lita Jett hung out in a party van with some princesses, one of the triplets from Brave and a Lalaloopsy.

2 nights ago, I decided to try the zip line...

Boy was I proud of this thing.... that's a bendable bunny in the back and the Zoo Keeper up front.... I even incorporated Candy Canes.... festive, huh?

I was at my parents' house the night after this awesome trick and KT started to say how her Elf was hanging from a string in the sky....it was "so cool."   I reached to get my phone, to show my awesome stolen, borrowed creativity and SPLAT......my 1 1/2 month old iPhone5 went right into the soup we were eating.   Speakerphone didn't work, volume was up the whole way.  I could barely hear the phone ring and text messages....   I was trying not to freak out.  DAMN ELF!

We got home and miraculously, we were back in business.... I could hear music, songs, texts, Voxer, etc etc etc....   That Elf almost had seen her last day here at the Lair.  

Since all was calm, I decided to have another fun day with the Elf...again, stolen from folks much more creative than I:

I keep hearing all sorts of commercials on the radio/seeing commercials on TV that talk about the importance REALLY thinking it through before you purchase a pet for someone else for a Christmas gift.   It's not unlike owning an Elf on the Shelf.

Things to consider prior to the ELF on a Shelf Purchase

•  REMEMBER - this is by far the most difficult.   You think, are the kids in bed? Are they going to stay there for the night?  God forbid you move the elf prematurely.  I have a 4 year old that likes to ask 32 questions before I leave her room each night and tends to carry those questions into overtime to delay sleep after I DO leave her room.   By the time you actually realize the kids are down for the night and you stumble up to bed, half of the time the elf is forgotten and not moved.
• It's a competition.   Anyone can put your Elf on an actual shelf to "oversee" the behavior.  From what I have read, this isn't a "new" idea.   Elves have been on shelves for years and years and years and they used to just simply sit on the damn shelf and "watch" kids.  Now, they've got outfits and pierced ears and need to be part of a parade when introduced and need to be incorporated in to other toys, appliances, furniture, ETC ETC ETC to make things more "fun."  As previously mentioned, get yourself an account on Pinterest and Instagram to help alleviate this stress.
• Questions........  AS IF THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH QUESTIONS in my life...  KT is just starting to figure out this Christmas thing.   Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, because it shows she's got some brain cells), she doesn't quite like the idea of this creeper Elf and creeper old man barging in and out of our house at their own discretion whilst we sleep. Be prepared and QUICK on your feet when faced with the interrogation.
• DO NOT TOUCH THE ELF......   A few days into this jazz, I thought I was doing a funny thing by hanging the Elf upside down from our ceiling fan.  During our insane morning routine, I walked into the Elf, bumping her with my forehead.....  KT's eyes got wide.  I reached up and stopped her with my hand and I thought KT was going to throw up.   "Mommy.you.touch.Lita.Jett.Rockstar.   Her magic is gone."  Damn book and damn lying to my kid about how Mommies are the only people that can touch elves because we take care of our babies and if the Elf needs help while they're in a house, they can go to the Mommy.   WTF.... she bought it, let's move on.
• If you come up with a REALLY COOL, REALLY CREATIVE ELF POSE (original or stolen), please make sure the Elf is secure.  After my iPhone took a dive into some corn soup, we came home and I found the Elf, duct taped to the candy cane, on the floor.  I hurried to rush KT downstairs to the family room so I could rectify the situation before she had a coronary and I had another 400 questions to answer.   I guess I could have fallen back on the "Mommies can help Elves" theory, but Christ.... it was late, my phone and I had been through a lot this week.  I couldn't handle further interrogation.
• DO NOT START TOO EARLY.  I admit it; I jumped the gun.  It was too soon to start this Elf jazz.   I was overly excited to do it.   I had KT pumped up and BK was home; it seemed like the perfect time.  In all reality, do not start this mess prior to Thanksgiving.   I also think that I won't start it next year until after KT's birthday.... maybe have her come out ON her birthday.   That buys me about a week of creativity anyway...

Today, I pulled a few Christmas decorations out, since KT's birthday is behind us.  The good news about this is this opens up an entire new world of hiding places.   Praise the Lord.

Hey, I think I'm ahead of the game.... the Elf has been moved and it's before 11PM....  She's in a "new" spot that will be liked, even though she's already been on that shelf before.   She's never been in the stocking.   Sigh.....    

At least, I can save some of the "more creative" options for the 18 more days we've got of this ordeal.  I'm up for new ideas of where you've stashed your Elves.....  that way it's less work/brain power necessary to complete this daunting task each day.  :-)

With that, HAPPY ELVING!