Occuptional Hazard of Parenting #8....Kids say the darndest things, at the damndest times.

We all know that it's part of the gig.....   crazy things that kids say/do at the worst (or arguably best) times.   KT sat and rolled and crawled and walked early....   she was probably on the "average" side or slightly less when it came to words/speaking/conversations.   Who needs to talk when you can whine and point?   When you're the only kid/grandkid on my side of the family, and you're cute, the world is wrapped around your finger.  I remember reading things on facebook and in blogs about funny things their kids would say and do when KT was around 1.  I was really excited for those crazy/funny things to pop out of her mouth.....   It's a classic case of be careful what you wish for....

CUSSING:

Ah, so those that know BK and me probably cringed at the thought of the two of us being parents when they've heard the stuff that we've said.   BK is a truck driver, I'm a daughter of one.  Enough said.   After being around my cousins for a weekend, I seriously have to detox before I can enter any sort of professional setting, because lord only knows what the hell is going to come out of my mouth.   Thankfully, on the first day of my current job, we had a sales meeting and the F bomb was dropped about 5 times in the first 20 minutes or so.   Glad to know that's an acceptable word, when used in the right context at my job.  :-)

Anyway, I've really roped in the cussing around my kids.  Well, I thought so anyway.  KT makes it clear that I (well, her daddy probably more so) :-)  tends to slip up and forget on occasion.  Thankfully, these offenses have been minor and pretty infrequent;  quite an accomplishment if you ask me.

• Christmas Day, 2011.   My parents house.  Getting ready to sit down for dinner.   BK and I are all sorts of frazzled between xmas and KT being excited, too many gifts in such a small place and a 3 month old  miserable baby full of colic and reflux.  BK was either telling a story or something wasn't working right and out of his mouth came, "GOD DAMNIT."   KT was in the next room, sitting at the table, waiting for dinner.   "GOD DAMMIT, DADDY.   GOD DAMNIT."   My mother just looks at me.... so does my dad....   Merry Christmas! 
• Our former next door neighbors (the awesome ones from the previous blog) take KT to Friendly's (i.e. "the cafe") and one night they were on their way there and KT busts out in the back seat, "What the HAIL?"  Apparently, when she says hell, she gets a southern accent.   Definitely makes me look like the model parent when people are nice enough to take my daughter out for some Mickey Mouse pancakes.
• Before BK was off work on back surgery, I was having one of those crazy nights.....  BG was a fussy kid, the place was a wreck, I was hungry, but KT wanted to play out back on the swingset and wanted me to push her.   I could feel myself getting completely stressed out by the second and I blurted out, "KATIE!..... and then I stopped" She looked at me, and shook her head and said, "Jesus."   I am sure she wasn't praying either.  She totally finished the sentence for me...  I had refrained from saying it out loud...   sigh.

IN PUBLIC:

There's nothing like being completely humiliated in front of complete strangers that makes you appear like the most negligent parent ever.

• BG has been seeing a neurologist for her torticollis (another blog entry) since she was 8 months old.   Our office visits there are pretty long and the last time (after her MRI checked out OK), I took both girls myself.  I had my cell phone and iPod ready for KT to play with during the wait.  I tried to keep her from thinking about how bored it was and answered her million other questions (another blog, coming soon) asking me about the skeleton and skull and brains and princesses and whatever else passed through her little head.  Finally, the Dr comes in, sits down and says "So tell me about any progresses, issues, findings since our last visit?"  He barely got the last part of visit out of his mouth, when all of the sudden........  the loudest fart (I hate that word too, but writing breaking wind or passing gas doesn't cut it for this story) comes from the 3 1/2 year old beside me.   Not only was it a 6 on the Richter scale, it went on and on and on and on and on.......    I just sat there.  The Dr. just sat there.   After the quake, and about 15 seconds (seemed like hours) of silence of both of us pretending Katie didn't do what she did.  I finally mustered up enough courage to say, "Well, BG is crawling now and is using her left arm more and more each day."      Mortified.
• Around the same time as the visit to the neuro, I decided we needed to go to every KMart within a 20 mile radius to find this green butterfly outfit that my cousin just got for her newborn baby as a baby shower gift.   I failed miserably and kind of think that it wouldn't come in her size anyway  after further investigation (and visiting 4 KMarts).   While we were looking for the outfit though, we managed to find a few tutus and some other various odds and ends.  After doing my best to dodge any aisles with toys, and listening to KT's pleads for candy, lollipops and whatever else we saw between the tutu aisle and the cash register, I picked the closest cashier.  The only thing that would help me right now is 2 kids, strapped in car seats and not riding around trying to kamikaze dive out of the cart.  I happened to glance up and saw our cashier, long 80's hair, lots of make up, big hoop earrings, pearl necklace and I thought wow, she's tall.   She was a good bit taller than I am (and I'm 5'10").... and had a LOT of stubble.   We made eye contact.   I panicked.   I have no problem that this man is full out cross dressing and working at KMart.   I panicked because my 3 1/2 year old with NO filter was in the cart.   I immediately started to sweat profusely and couldn't change aisles because I didn't want him to think I didn't want a he/she as our cashier.   I just handed KT my phone and hoped that she wouldn't pay attention.   He (he had a male name on his name tag) said hello to me and commented to KT how cute she was.   I could have puked (again, only because I had no idea of what was going to come out of her mouth).  She looked up from her game to show him something on her "phone."  She said, "Look, my phone has........." and held her phone up and didn't finish the sentence.   She just stared.   I started to talk to her to distract her from the situation and finally she said, "Are those earrings?"   I am pretty sure he heard.   I changed the subject, got our receipt and made a dash for the car.   We got in the car, and were there for about 5 minutes when she finally said, "Mommy...why was that man at the store wearing makeup?"   I was so happy that she waited till we got into the car and I said, "I'm really not sure, KT."   She said, "Well, he's a boy and boys don't wear makeup mommy.   Girls wear blush and eyeshadow and lipstick."   My answer, "I know they do, KT.   Do you want to listen to one of your songs?"  Whew...dodged that bullet.
• Less than a month ago, I had the girls and took them to BJ's to get BG's formula.   It was a quick trip, in and out -- for my sanity and wallet.    We got up to the check out and I chose the line with an older lady as a cashier.  She was really nice and said hi to both girls.   She was missing quite a few teeth.   She started to ask KT a few questions and was interrupted with, "Did the toof fairy come to your house and give you money when you lost all doze teetf?"  I couldn't get "KT!" out fast enough.   Fortunately, the lady was super nice.   She said to me, "Oh honey, that's OK.   She doesn't mean any harm.   She doesn't know any better.   I love kids....I raised 7 myself and you'll never believe some of the things they'll say."   I tried to distract her.  "Well I am gonna brush my teef, so they don't fall out.   But when I get big, my baby teef will come out and the toof fairy will come visit when I go to sleep."  Yes KT........    got it.   
• While we were in IL over Memorial Day, we got the girls baptized.  We left PA 7pm on Friday, drove all night long and got to IL at 5AM (6 our time).   The kids were great in the car; they slept the whole way.   When we got to IL, they were ready to go and we just wanted to sleep, but that didn't happen.   After 11 hrs in a car, and a new environment and no nap, I was not sure how church at 5pm and baptism right after Mass would go.   KT flipped out because she was wearing a dress that had buttons on it.  We had to be quiet in church and she didn't like that either.   It was their first time in Mass, and it was pretty obvious.   BG slept most of it, so I was thankful for that anyway.   When it was time to Baptize the girls, we moved closer to the Holy Water.   KT protested, "I'M NOT GETTING THAT ON MY HEAD!"  That's how the Baptism started, and it went downhill from there.   While we were praying, Father started to talk about the history of Jesus and John the Baptist, etc etc.   Father looked at KT and said, "KT, do you know who Jesus is?"   She looked at him, scowled and said, "NO!"   Awesome....    Father said, "Well, he loves you very much."  Katie said, "NO.  I don't know him!"   It was seriously all I could do not to laugh...what else could you do?   This was my punishment for waiting till she was 3 1/2 years old to get her Baptized.   At that moment, I realized why this is done while the baby is still a newborn....and asleep.
• Our next door neighbor always had reddish hair with some blonde highlights.   One day, she decided to dye her whole head blonde.   KT wanted to visit, so we walked over and saw Mac standing outside.  She wanted to see Steph, so Mac let her go in the house.   It wasn't even 2 minutes and KT came back outside and said, "Mommy, I want to go home."   I thought it was unusual, since most days we couldn't peel her away from their house.   Steph came outside and pointed to her hair and mouthed, "She doesn't like it."   I asked KT what was wrong.   She said, "Steph's hair is black.  I don't like it."   (she used to get black and white mixed up).   I laughed and tried to explain what the heck was going on, but she wasn't having it.   She finally stopped telling Steph she didn't like her hair after a few weeks.   

Her new thing is to call us by our first names.   The other day, my mom was over and KT said, "Where's Blake?"  I answered, "He went to..... did you just call Daddy, Blake?"   She said, "Uh, yes..... dat's his udder name."   

We were making dinner later that night and KT was looking at the computer and then looked up, "Joan, I can't get this to work."   WTF.   I'm pretty sure I didn't even know my parents' first names until I was in school.

I am sure there are many that didn't come to mind right away....... and I'm sure they'll only get more interesting as time goes by.....    I have to admit, although some of me is mortified when she says things, a small part of me just wants to laugh hysterically and give her a high 5.   That's the best part about being a kid.   You can be BRUTALLY honest and totally get away with it.   

For more profound words from KT, you can follow her on Twitter, @k8e_kay