Occupational Hazard #12 - Mommy Guilt

Most of my posts are funny and tongue-in-cheek.  I'm not feeling funny OR tongue-in-cheeky, so I almost didn't post this.   Truth is, while most of "Mommy-hood" is insanely crazy, but ridiculously rewarding and entertaining, it's not always that way.  As we go through the different stages, most of the time, we do what we do because it's what we think is the best way for survival.  We don't intentionally mean any harm and always want to do what's best for our family, but sometimes that just isn't good enough.   That sucks.

As mentioned before, BG was a colicky mess of a baby.   She hated the car, she hated the swing, she hated when she wasn't swaddled, she hated being held, she hated being fed, she hated tummy time (hate doesn't even to begin to justify how she felt about that).   Basically, she hated to be awake.   She wanted a swaddle to the point her eyeballs were practically popping out of her head, a loud noisy place (usually the kitchen under the exhaust fan with the dishwasher running) and in her bouncy seat.   When she slept, I let her sleep.   I knew better than to awake the beast.  I didn't force tummy time too much because KT hated it too.   They both had bad reflux.  KT's back of her head was pretty flat for a few months and I was always concerned that it was too flat and everyone said "she'll be fine, it's not that bad."   She was fine.   By the time she was 6 months, her head was fine and she was moving and grooving.   The reflux was gone (for the most part).   I figured we'd have the same this time around too.  I didn't stress.   I had too many other things to stress about.

Around 2 months (probably before), I noticed that BG's left shoulder was always hiked up to her left ear.   She always slept with her head tilted to the side (it looked as if a rubber band connected her ear and shoulder).   Whenever I did force her and torture her with tummy time, she had an awkward position that I just knew was not right.  Her pediatrician said, "she may have some mild torticollis, but by the time she's here for her 4 month appointment, you'll never know."   I told her that I had been trying to feed her from the other side and position her differently and try to get her tummy time...all the stuff that I did with KT and that I saw online when researching torticollis.  She assured me all was well and to keep that up.   She said that I could seek PT if I wanted, but she didn't feel as though it was necessary.   In my head, I thought that I was probably overreacting and dragging KT around to PT appts in winter while BK was on the road was just going to be more stressful for all of us involved.  I'd give it some time and try to fix things on my own.

At her 4 month appt, I brought it up again.  In the meantime, I also had a fb friend reach out to me and let me know that her daughter had torticollis and she had early intervention come to the house and show them stretches.  I had already started this process prior to our 4 month checkup.   Again, the Pediatrician said it was mild and I could reach out for PT, but she didn't feel as though it was necessary.  BG was still sleeping in her bouncy seat every night (most nights it was inside her crib) and I was concerned about her positioning, but the Pediatrician said that we needed to do what we needed to do to get her asleep.  Try to work with her while she's awake.   She'll be fine.

Early Intervention has worked with BG since she was around 5 months old.   At first, we did OT and PT, 1 time a week, alternating weeks.   So she'd have PT twice a month and OT twice a month.   After a few sessions of OT, when the OT wound up stretching her more than anything, I suggested that we switched to all PT and everyone agreed that would probably be best.   We'd go a week here and there where she was tilted, but we thought we were making progress and we shouldn't have too much trouble "straightening her out."   This was something that just takes time and is annoying, but will work itself out.

Around 7 months, BG was not sitting well.   She wasn't crawling.   She actually showed some weakness in her left arm.   Our Pediatrician was on maternity leave, so I made an appointment just to have another set of eyes check her out.  The Dr who saw her that day had been there for many, many years and saw me and my sisters as kids.   He recommended that we took her to a pediatric Neurologist, just to be sure.  He didn't like the weakness in her left arm either.

At my request on facebook about local neurologists, I received some other information about other PTs that wanted to see BG.   I took her to 2 PTs, that said her case was mild and typically, they don't work on children "her age" because this is gone by now.   They were unable to help.

The neurologist did an exam on her and felt that everything was ok with her brain.   He was pretty sure that her bones were fine too, but the only way to be certain was to order an MRI.  This required her to be unconscious for about 1 1/2 hr so they could make sure she was still for the pictures.  We took her to have the MRI at Lancaster General Hospital on her 9 month birthday.  She handled anesthesia like a champ.   She did so great.  I was so proud of her.   When I went back to see her in recovery, I walked back with another mother who had a daughter (probably about 7 or 8) that had her tonsils taken out.   The volunteer called both of our names and we just walked and walked and walked back these halls, taking so many turns.  It seemed like forever till we got to recovery.   No one said a word.   We both had tears coming down our faces by the time we got to our babies.   Her daughter was feeling pretty rough and crying.   My BG was surrounded by about 6 nurses.   When they parted, so I could see her - they all were smiling and laughing.   BG had the biggest smile on her face and the one nurse had her hands underneath BG's armpits while she bounced and bounced and bounced away.   I couldn't believe it.   I grabbed her and just kept asking everyone if she was OK.....  when obviously, she was.   They laughed and said she was adorable and said they couldn't believe how much she was bouncing and asked if she had a jumperoo at home.   It would be a few days before we would hear about the results of the MRI, but for now, I had hoped the worst was over.

Thankfully, the MRI revealed that all was OK with her brain and spine.   This was ruling out neuro problems like a brain injury at birth, cerebral palsy, bone disorders, etc etc.   While everyone was telling us she probably was ok, everyone was also telling us that this should be gone by the time she was 4 months old and here she was 9 and it was still there.   However, since she was 8 months old, she had now mastered sitting, could army crawl/starting to crawl with belly off the floor and had seemed to not show weakness in her left arm any longer.  Perhaps we were on our way after all.

The neurologist also suggested that we went to Hershey Medical Center to have a consult on Botox therapy.   Yes, Botox.   The theory behind this is that the SCM muscle that is tight would be injected and "paralyzed."   This, combined with PT should help to stretch it out, so she could gain full range of motion.   When full ROM has been accomplished, PT can then be used to strengthen the non-tort side, which is weaker and not used to holding the head up.

The amount of push back I get from people on this is astounding.  Obviously, PT alone isn't doing the trick.   Obviously, it's not going away on its own.   I'm tired of sitting back and not doing anything.   I am the one in the house that does her PT.  I'm the one that spends all night long trying to get things done in the house, trying to pay attention to our other daughter and trying to stretch/strengthen BG's neck.   She screams, she fusses, she's uncomfortable, she's tired of me messing with her and it wears on a person.   I become short with KT and that's not fair.   All I want to do is fix her head and I can't.   Mommy guilt.    I put a tv show on to occupy KT while I stretch and do exercises.  Keeping KT downstairs all alone.   Mommy guilt.

When she was a baby, I should have done more tummy time.  I should have done more stretching.  Should I have taken her to the chiropractor that wanted to see her for her colic?   Could that have fixed this mess without having to do this?   I probably should not have let her sleep in her bouncy seat as much as I did, but she couldn't sleep flat because of her reflux.   I was home, virtually alone, just trying to do my best and now she's almost a year old and every time I look at her it's a damn reminder of what I didn't do or what I could have done.   If I had taken her to the PT at 2 months old, perhaps he could have fixed her.   If I didn't wait so long to get Early Intervention, maybe they could have fixed her.   If I was not on my own the majority of the week, maybe something could have been different.

Would it have mattered?  Maybe. Maybe not.

I have researched techniques and doctors and have asked questions in forums and have started my own forums and I'm still at a loss.  There's a Dr. near Philly that does not take insurance. He says on his website that he can fix kids with torticollis.   Can he really?  No insurance, no credit cards, no checks........   Mommy Guilt.

I work full time.  I can't expect others to be there to stretch her and help her and fix her while I work all day.  I do enjoy my job and I know that it's necessary for me to work, but picking her up every day and seeing her head "not straight" is just like a punch in the face.  What could I do differently if I wasn't at work all day, that could get her out of this situation?

There's a Dr in Atlanta that has seen several babies in a tort group of which I belong on Yahoo! Groups.  Do I pack BG up, hop on a plane and go to Atlanta?  I would in a second if it would work.

Every appointment that I we go to, I hope.   I just hope that someone can give me the answer.  They can do something to make this nightmare go away.   As time goes on, the harder it will get to fix.   As time goes on, the more she'll learn to adapt, causing other bad habits and potentially causing more issues like vision problems, curvature of her spine and god knows what the hell else.

The reason I have chosen to open up my frustrations on this blog was 2 fold.   First of all, I'm about to explode with frustration.   I do not want people to look at her and wonder what's wrong.  To wonder what I am not doing and why she's crooked.  I don't want her to get to school and to not look "right."   I do not want her to have other issues arise because of something that I did not fix.   I have always been dramatic and a bit of a worrier, which doesn't help in situations like this because everyone seems to downplay my level of frustration.   If 1 person is supposed to be able to fix stuff, it's mom.   When mom can't fix it, well....   that's simply not an option.    For that reason, I have decided to not rest my brain until we have a solution.   I don't care how many vacation days I need to use.  I don't care if I have to take unpaid time off of work because I used up all of my vacation days.  I don't care how many miles I put on my car.  I don't care if I need to fly to  Atlanta.  I don't care who tells me that "it's not a big problem."   I will not rest until I see that she's fixed.   I've got a pretty keen eye on the issue.  Others say, "I can barely notice it."   Right, it isn't like she's got a 3rd eye on her face.  It's not that she's so severely deformed (I could not imagine being a mother of a child like that.   This is too much for me to bear some days.   God bless those children and their parents).   However, I can tell that she's got something limiting her mobility and something limiting her from doing tasks she should be doing at her age.

I know this "condition" isn't life threatening.  I know that there are things out there that parents have to deal with and kids have to experience that can't even compare to this "issue."   However, it's important to me that we get it fixed.   Whatever it takes.   For her.

For weeks, I've had it in my head "sure we'll keep this Botox appointment for August 31st.  I am sure that by the time we get there, the dr will suggest that it's not necessary."   It hit me like a ton of bricks a few days ago.   It's not going to be better by next week.   It's not going to be better by her first birthday. I am not sure when it's going to get better and sometimes I am not sure IF it's going to get better.  I don't want anything to hold her back and right now I'm not holding back one damn second to fix her.

I want her to be 13 or 15 or whatever and know that I did whatever I needed to do to make her better.... I don't want her to look in the mirror and hate me for not doing anything and everything in my power to fix it.  That is the second reason I have chosen to write this blog.   It's more "fun" to write the funny moments of the day that happen as a mom.   I hope that someone is reading this that can give me some insight.   Some help.   A reference.  ANYTHING.

That way I can have Mommy Pride.....instead of F&%ing Mommy Guilt.

Occupational Hazard #11 - Attention Deficit Disorder

Before anyone reading this thinks that I'm going to get on a soapbox and rant and rave about children with ADD.....   relax.   The ADD to which I refer in this blog affects the parental unit, specifically Mommy in our house.  It's becoming an epidemic; I don't see any end in sight.... at least for many years.

I have always considered myself pretty good at multi-tasking.   I've even listed it as a "strength" on a number of resumes, job applications, etc etc.  It takes a fair amount to stress me out when it pertains to small tasks (not huge decisions regarding money or our house or our future).   However, I always was on top of day to day things like running errands, laundry, dishes, mailing out cards, etc etc etc....until December 3rd, 2008.  This was the day that I became a mother.

Fast forward three and a half years later, add an almost 1 year old to that mix, a full-time job and a husband with a job that requires him to travel, a cat, and a house....  I'm nearly meet the requirements for a padded room.

Today, we had a picnic to attend in the afternoon.   I needed to go to the gym, and BK had plans to attend a smoking convention (smoking meat, nothing squirrely).   After my trip to the gym, I needed to shower, straighten my hair, get the girls ready and head to Lititz.  Sounds easy enough......  right.

I knew we had a lot to do and I didn't know if I should just go balls to the wall and dive straight in to the task at hand, start drinking to numb myself from the task at hand, or take an extra Synthroid for a boost to my metabolism.....  I chose to just go balls to the wall.   There would be beer at the party to wind me down if necessary.

I was able to shower and dry my hair while BG was still in her crib for her morning nap.  I felt like I was ahead of the game.  My hair is dried, but just needs to be straightened.  The plan is to feed the girls, finish hair and hit the road....The process below started approx 12:45 PM this afternoon.

• BG in high chair for lunch
• KT starts to dig in the fridge, comes out with go-gurt
• I tell KT to chill out a second, I will get her lunch
• BG is screaming in high chair because she ate the Puffs I put there to hold her over till I busted out the real food
• More puffs
• Open the go-gurt, KT runs downstairs
• Cut up food for BG, plop on tray
• Both are content for a second, open dishwasher to unload
• KT wants a drink (at this point, she can't come back upstairs because the baby gates are up)
• I get KT a drink and take to the step, she grabs
• I unload 3 plates
• BG is tired of the food she has, starts screaming and throws her meat on the floor
• I cut up watermelon for both kids
• Watermelon on BG's tray/Lunchable and watermelon downstairs to KT
• I take 5 minutes to explain what a "lunchable" is
• BG starts to climb out of her high chair, secure her with straps/buckle
• Finish unloading the bottom part of the dishwasher
• KT wants a "show" on TV, I climbed over the gate again and asked her what she wanted to watch.   Her typical response, "What do we have."   I recite the same 25 shows we have on DVR for her.   She selected The Movers and then we had to recite each episode.
• BG screams because her food is eaten/on the floor/smashed all over her.
• I unload the top tray of dishwasher - prepare one of the bottles that was just washed.
• As I unload the other bottles, I take a few moments to assemble the extra bottles (we have the devil Dr. Brown bottles with 32 pieces each).  
• BG screams because I'm taking too long.
• KT calls from downstairs. "Mommy, I pooped and peed."   
• Go downstairs to help her on the potty, climbing over the gate up and down the steps
• While I was downstairs, I switched over the laundry and started another load.
• Took clean clothes to the living room to fold them (ha ha)
• Forget about the half assembled Dr. Brown bottles....   I finish BG's and hand it to her.
• Go back to finish the dishwasher, BG screams and throws bottle.
• BG out of high chair for me to feed her and I notice she also needs a diaper change
• BG on the floor, screaming and not staying still while I change her diaper
• Clean diaper, baby on my lap, bottle in mouth
• Realize I don't have my phone or ipad (I like to play a few games of yahtzee while I feed her)
• Grab iPhone and sit back down
• BG is eating and KT comes to the top of the steps, that damn Dream Lite commercial is on again and she reminds me, yet again, that she wants one.
• BG hears KT and squirms to see what is going on
• Home phone rings - I get up and it's a telemarketer
• BG finishes bottle, crawls over to dishwasher (which is still open)
• I put silverware/knives away - 2 seconds before she grabs the knife.
• As I finish bottles, I see BG crawled over to the fridge and has something in her mouth
• Finger sweep of the mouth (something I'm getting used to doing often) produces a magnet from our fridge - KT got a princess magnet collection and this was one of Cinderella's earrings.
• Load dishwasher while BG pulled all of the tupperware and food out of 3 cupboards.   She also took oranges out of the cupboard and threw them over the gate going upstairs and rearranged 3 of the dining room table chairs.  
• I pick up BG and the gate, brought them downstairs and plugged in straightener
• Put gate up just as BG was making a run for it, BG screams because she can't crawl up the steps.
• I start to straighten hair
• KT is mad b/c BG is on a chair and she can't see the TV
• I dump out a few blocks for BG to play with while I do my hair
• BG follows me into the bathroom and grabs cat food
• Put flat iron down, get cat food from BG and up out of the way
• Back to hair while BG crawls towards the toilet - seat was down, but I just don't want her to mess with the thing.
• KT decides to play her video game in the "playroom"
• BG follows her
• A few more passes with the flat iron, KT screams that BG is in her way
• I walked in and BG was no longer in her way, but standing on top of the Little Tikes Bus....
• I helped her off the bus, she screams.   
• I decide to bring her back into the family room so I can keep an eye on her and closed the door to keep her off of the bus unsupervised
• BG is playing with toys while I do my hair again, KT decides she doesn't want to play her video game anymore and returns to family room
• KT asks me for more food as I do my hair.  I explain we're going to a picnic where there will be food and ice cream.
• I also explain to her that we can go as soon as I can finish my hair.
• KT decides she wants to do a puzzle, I resume hair straightening activity
• BG grabs puzzle pieces, KT screams
• I recommend my desk as a puzzle station, since BG can't reach
• KT moves puzzle, BG pulls herself up to the desk chair, causing it to spin
• KT screams "I DON'T WANT TO SPIN, I DON'T WANT TO SPIN!"
• BG laughs, I put flat iron down and move BG from the chair
• BG screams
• Miller (our cat) comes down the steps, BG goes to chase him.
• Flat Iron for me....
• Miller escapes the madness, BG crawls back over to the desk, but goes under it - hoping to play with the power strip that lights up pretty colors.
• I tried to distract her and she crawls over to KTs orange patio chair, starts to stand on it and wave to all of us.
• I grab BG, place her by the toys and dump 3 bins of blocks, books, and various baby toys on to the floor in front of her.
• KT decides she wants to play with the blocks
• BG screams when she has the one that KT wanted.......KT grabs it
• KT screams when she realizes that block was full of baby drool
• I finally finish my hair and realize we need bottles, cups and baby food
• I lift 2 kids and myself over the gate to the main level.  Start to pack BG's diaper bag
• "Mom, the baby has something in her mouth"  KT fishes out a piece of food that she had thrown on the floor and brings it to me.  
• BG screams
• KT wanted me to lift her over the gate so she could go to her room.   She has money that needs to go into her piggy bank
• I place BG in her walker so I can just get the rest of this crap finished and get out the damn door
• BG screams
• KT lectures her about putting things in her mouth and tells her to "stop fussing"
• BG's bag is packed and I realized that I was wearing basketball shorts and a tank and that I needed to change
• First, I grabbed phone.  1:45 PM Text to BK "Are you still [at the smoker convention]?"  He was, I was not about to wait for him to get home - we were rolling.   
• I sent BK the address of where he should meet me in a text and hear KT yelling that the water and soap was too high.   
• I ran up the steps to find that she had gone to the potty again and had been washing her hands with a ton of hand soap.  
• Found clothes, put on makeup, cleaned up the soap/water debacle
• Fixed KT's hair and cut the rest of her nails (we only got half of them cut yesterday before BG's therapy)
• Shoes on KT and me, grabbed BG, noticed she needed a new diaper
• BG on the floor, she screamed while I changed her diaper, KT waited for me out front
• Grabbed diaper bag, grabbed BG and walked outside
• Both kids in car seats and I realized that I didn't have my sunglasses
• Unlocked door, opened, cat escapes
• I located glasses, made sure doors are locked (again), lights are off, throw the cat back in the house and got in the car

2:15 ---- we were on our way to Lititz

We had a great time and it was worth the madness, but I am looking forward to days that doing something so simple isn't quite a darn production.

Occupational Hazard #10....... Just when you think you're connecting, they throw that theory out the window.

KT is 3 1/2 and for as long as I remember, she's been pretty quick to understand a lot of what I say.  In fact, life with BG (now 11 months old) is sometimes a splash of cold water in the face when I realize that while it seems like KT has been "with it" forever, it was only a short time ago where all of our "conversations" were 1 sided.  I can remember seeing friends post crazy things about what their kids said on facebook and was anxious for those "conversations" to become more of a 2 way process, instead of me just talking to my wall precious little child.

I decided that it was time to get KT a hair cut with some significant choppage.   Our friend has been cutting her hair since she was a tot, and has done trims each time.   I figured that it would be fun to take KT to a "salon" where she could experience the pampering and have fun with it.   She did great.   We cut about 4 inches off of her head, got her a new barrette and a fresh paint job on her nails.   Twenty bucks and 25 minutes later, we were in the car and headed over to my parents to show Grammy the new do.

My mother was unsure for a long time as to what she wanted KT to "call" her.   She didn't want Grandma or Nan/Nanny.    For the longest time, she wanted to be called "Your Highness," but that didn't stick.   Finally, she chose "Grammy."  When KT learned to talk, Grammy became "Bammy" and that stuck for quite some time.   After she got the hang of the "GR" sound, Bammy kind of went to the wayside and Grammy was used in full force.

KT has 2 little friends that call at least one of their Grandmas, "Nanny."   A few times, KT has decided to call my mom "Nanny" and I know that she doesn't like it.  Usually, she answers and just goes on her way, but today we were leaving my mom's house and KT said, "Bye Nanny."  My mom said, "I'm Grammy."   Immediately, she busted out her pouty lip, looked down and looked as sad as could be.   She said, "But I never had any Nanny.   I am sad I don't have a Nanny."   I rolled my eyes and explained to her (for the 3 billionth time), "You have a Grammy.   M* and I* have a Nanny, but don't have a Grammy."

That didn't work. "But I'll NEVER have a Nanny.  I never had a Nanny before."

I said, "KT, Nanny, Grammy, Grandma, Nan and, Bammy are all the same thing.  They all mean Grandma."

KT: "Oh, so they're the same fing?  Nanny, Grammy and Grandma?"

ME: "Yes, KT.   They're all the same thing.   They just are different names for the same thing."

KT: "OK.  (actually sounding as if all was ok).  Is Grandpa the same fing as Grandma?"

ME: "Well, no.   Grandma, Grammy and Nanny all are for the woman grandparent and Grandpa and Pap are the same thing for the man grandparent."

KT: "Oh, OK.   Pap and Grandpa are the same fing?   Pap is your daddy and he's my Pap.   Grammy is your Mommy and she's my Grammy."

ME: "Yes, and Grandma Barb is your Grandma and Daddy's Mommy.  I called my Grammies 'Grandma.'   I used to call my Pap/Grandpa 'Pop Pop'"

KT: "Pop Pop?!  That's a silly name."

ME: "Pop Pop was Pap's Daddy.   We just always called him Pop Pop instead of Pap or Grandpa."

KT: "POP POP!? I Like to call clowns 'Pop Pop.'"

ME:   ::::::::  Deep sigh/hung my head:::::::::::

KT  said this with both laughter and seriousness.   As if I was off my rocker to call my Grandfather "Pop Pop" and as if it was normal to call clowns "Pop Pop."

Oh well.....  I am not sure how much of that conversation was retained.   I guess I should just get used to not seeing eye to eye.   I am sure that we won't see eye to eye on MANY more conversations before she leaves for college.

At least we had a successful haircut today...

Occupational Hazard #9........... COLIC!

Literally, I thought of this blog topic 10 3/4 months ago.   That's when I was introduced to the cruel punishment known as colic.

It has also taken me nearly 11 months to muster up enough strength and courage to discuss the topic, for colic is a debilitating condition, both physically and mentally.  Truth is, I'm forever scarred and wish colic on no one (OK, maybe on some people - but only the parents, not the innocent little newborns).   I hope to accomplish the following things with this blog entry:

• Raise colic awareness (lol)
• Provide a few laughs to those who have lived with the insanity
• Provide a few tips with what helped us survive
• Provide a few things a mother with a colicky baby would never want to hear
• Formally document some hellish days of BG's newborn-hood so that she can forever be indebted to me.

*Disclaimer -  I do realize that there are really serious medical conditions that babies and parents have to endure and that colic isn't a life threatening condition.   This is meant to provide a little humor because Lord knows that's what I had to use to get me through it.   Oh, and PS - to a parent of a colicky baby, colic SEEMS like a life threatening situation at times....    :-)

My little BG will be 11 months tomorrow.   11 months.   It's hard to believe that we were just getting things together this time 1 year ago.   In some ways, it's like she's been with us forever.   In some ways, it seems like the 11 months have gone by in a blink of an eye....  well, months 6-11 have anyway.   Months 1-6 were like serving a prison sentence on some days.   As terrible as that sounds, it's the God's honest truth.  There was never a day that I wasn't thankful for my little girl, but there were many days where I wished she was just a little less, OK the complete opposite of cranky.

I could tell something was up within a few hours of her time outside of the womb.   She clearly did not like to NOT be swaddled.   It was brutal getting her hospital pictures taken because we had to unswaddle her to do so.   We thought she was just cold.   Maybe she was, but that wasn't the only culprit.  She did pretty well in the hospital, but I think it's all a ploy.   Just like that puppy is *SO* adorable in the pet store...until you get it home and it sh*ts all over your floor and eats every last article of clothing you have.   The reality is, that baby is yours either way, but they sure fake you out at the hospital.   All the nurses and your guests comment on how she's such a good baby and she sleeps so much....   until she hits that carseat and is off of the hospital property...   then the fun begins.

We brought BG home on 9/10/11.   It was kind of a whirlwind.  People came to visit, KT was happy to have me home, we were supposed to go to a 30th birthday party for my sister, but just didn't get there.   Shortly after sundown on 9/10/11, the crying started.   I'm pretty sure that it didn't stop until 3/10/12.  BK scooped her up and tossed her in the carseat.  The Daddy/KT car ride always solved our problems when KT cried at night.  He came home 45 minutes later and she was screaming more than when she left.   Hmmm...maybe she's hungry.   She would down 2-3 oz and then just start screaming again.   Knees to the chest, wailing away....    Let's rock her.... screams.   Let's walk around... screams..... stroller?  screams.....   That first night, she screamed for 5 hours, till it was time for another bottle....then screamed again.......then passed out.   My guess is she got tired of screaming.

BK is a truck driver and is gone for a few days at a time, then comes home and then goes back out again.   I was off for maternity leave, with an almost 3 year old and a baby that was not happy (for whatever reason).   While his ears may have been saved of a lot of BG's screams, he got to hear my colic over the phone, sometimes 100s of miles away.  

At 10 days old, I mentioned to the pediatrician that this screaming is insane.  She would suck formula down like a crazy person and then scream as soon as the bottle was empty.   Then she'd puke it all back up and scream until she fell asleep again.  The Dr told me to put just a little rice in her bottle to help keep the formula down.  The newborn nipples were too small and the formula got clogged.   The nipples meant for rice were made for "sludge" type rice and the formula came out too fast.  Cutting the nipple was a complete disaster.   Screaming baby + non-working bottles = desire for 1 way ticket to Siberia.  

Around 2 weeks, she had an episode where she choked on the rice, a reflux attack, where she stopped breathing.   She kind of refluxed and stopped breathing and turned bright purple.  Her head kind of shook back and forth (almost like a seizure).  I was banging on her back to try and clear the airway and nothing.  I called 911.   While on the phone, I thought about the bulb syringe that was sitting on the sink.  I tried to suction anything I could out of her throat.   It made her gag and I guess she spit whatever was blocking up....   EMTs got here and she seemed fine.   They asked me to do something to make her cry (gosh, that was about everything), so I changed her diaper and she screamed her little head off.   The next day, I took her to the Dr. and they ordered the UPPER GI.   They put her on reflux med. 

Everything came back OK, but each Dr's visit pretty much consisted of BG screaming the entire way there, screaming inconsolably for the entire visit while KT wanted to play with toys and have me read books to her.   All of the nurses looked at me with "Oh you poor thing" faces.  The Drs and nurses kept telling me that at "4 months she'll be a new baby" and tried to keep me positive and let me know that I was doing all that I could at the moment.   Sometimes these things have to "work themselves out."  I do know they were all glad to see us check out each visit.  We were an insane traveling circus and I was like a walking zombie between both kids and being on my own for the most part.  I had several friends offering insight to try different formulas, gripe water, gas drops.....   You name it.  Everyone kept offering to help me in any way that I needed them to help.   For the most part, I would let them do things with KT, but I just kept BG under my wing.   Even though the colic was such a mess to deal with for those few months, I preferred that she was with me, instead of anyone else.

This picture pretty much sums up month #1:

All of these items produced the same result:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KnrZYaDjRY

I see pictures of their toddlers/preschoolers holding their little siblings, cuddling with their siblings, etc etc.   My house is full of pictures in frames that look like this:

We took BG to Roots (a local Farmer's Market) and to Giant when she was 5 days old.   She didn't make a peep.   She was tiny and spent her time in the Baby Bjorn.  Going out with 2 was nothing!   Why did people make such a big darn deal out of it? 

Not much long after, this became our typical scene in the minivan......  KT was always such a great kid in the car......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4DE9DAn7zI

After a month of formulas, gripe waters, reflux meds, moby wraps and lord knows what else, I broke down and bought the forbidden Dr. Brown Bottles.  I had vowed never to succomb to that trendy hell.   There were 25 pieces to unassemble, clean and reassemble after each feeding.   They weren't cheap (but hell, she was on Alimentum formula, so the "budget" was far gone out the window) and I just didn't buy into the fact that this bottle was going to make my dreams come true.   However, 1+ month of incessant screaming, I was willing to try just about anything.   Babies R Us is literally 4.4 miles from my house and I could do this.   I packed KT up, packed BG up, got in the van, drove 4.4 miles through the screams.   Out of the van we hopped, KT wanted to pick everything off of the shelves while BG screamed in her car seat in the cart.  I walked into the store, went directly to the Dr Browns, picked up 2 packs and turned around to check out.   At least 3 people said, "Oh she must be hungry!"   Seriously, like I'd torture my kid to take them shopping when they needed a bottle.   My standard reply quickly became, "No, she's not hungry, she just hates to be awake."   It was true.   She would wake up, eat and scream.................... till she crashed and then she slept.... for a long time.  I was fortunate in that regard. I've heard horror stories of colic babies that would sleep for 30 minutes a DAY.   The tough part here was that BG would pretty much be up and scream till 530 or so and then KT would be up by 630.  There was literally no rest.   

When BK did get home on the weekends, he was wiped out and exhausted from working in the truck.   One Friday night, I left to get some burritos for dinner (and enjoy a quiet car ride alone) and came back to find this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPm3G2eJwKE

I started to lose my mind at some point, to where I'd at least entertain myself through the madness:

http://www.youtube.com/my_videos_edit?ns=1&video_id=F2XwkKzJ88g

We tried the car, the vacuum, the dryer, stroller, swing, walks, rocking, formulas, medicines, 3 brands of bottles, pacifiers, music, and I am sure a handful of other things with minimal to no success.  I did find that she tolerated her bouncy seat and preferred to be swaddled.   One evening, we were at my mother's for dinner and she was cooking with the exhaust fan on to clear out the kitchen air.  I held BG and she fell asleep.  Hmmm...

A friend of mine had a cranky babe and mentioned to me that she used to bounce him on one of those yoga/exercise balls.   I knew that I had one because I actually had tried bouncing to induce labor.  Little did I know that experience was a precursor to my life on the exercise ball.

Turns out that BG's "happy place" was this:

Sometimes, if I had her in the kitchen with the exhaust fan (from the stove) turned on, with the bouncy seat, she would doze off on her own.   Other days, this was required:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OET_MOAnS4g

But, MOST other days, it was me (or BK or one of our moms), holding a swaddled babe in our arms and bouncing (yes physically bouncing) up and down on an exercise ball.   Sometimes I bounced on the ball, under the exhaust fan.   It was the only thing that calmed the beast.   It was back breaking and exhausting.   It was frustrating that she just didn't EVER want to rock in the recliner.   I never got to enjoy the baby sleeping on my chest.   She had her own agenda and no matter what we did, it could not be altered.

There were some things that I was told or told myself every single day:

• I'm thankful to have this baby girl.   Some people out there aren't as lucky enough to have children and would kill for this opportunity - screaming or not.  I never let that out of my head, no matter how hard it was to hear that voice.
• THE BEST ADVICE I WAS GIVEN - from someone very special to me - "Just survive the first 6 months.  Make sure you all eat, you're bathed, the house is somewhat functional and you get sleep whenever you are given the opportunity."  I played it over and over and over and over in my head.   The relayer of that statement had a very easy baby #1 and a very trying/screaming/colicky baby #2.  The Dr's told me that by 4 months, BG would be a different baby altogether.  The last thing I could handle was banking on that 4 month mark and having it last 5 or 6 or more.   I knew that March 8th was 6 months....  I told myself March 8th...that's almost spring.   My world will change and it will start to get warmer.   It was a LOOOOOOONG winter.  I hate winter and always look forward to spring each year - the anticipation for March was ten-fold this past year.   I simply could not wait.  I literally looked forward to paying the MORTGAGE each month because that was 1 month closer to March.  
• BK's scheduled for a vesectomy in February.  I know, never say never, but if that damn urologist does his job, we won't have to go through this ever again.
• I had the best Dr that had a screamer like BG.   I thought about making appointments for BG knowing that there was nothing else we could do for her, but our pediatrician was like a therapist to me.   I could hear her saying to me, "you're doing the best you can.   this is tough to deal with and you're dealing with it alone most nights.  IT.WILL.GET.BETTER."
• I had tons of friends and family out there that signed up for Similac coupons.   OK, so she was on the most expensive over the counter formula out there, but the willingness of everyone helping made the blow a lot less of a hit.
• DAMN THAT BK.  HA, well, kinda....   I am not going to lie that there were many nights that I wish I was in a truck, by myself on the road.   This is 100% not true ..... considering I can't stand driving a minivan, there's no way in hell that I could stand driving a truck.   But one thing is for sure, I was driving myself nuts in the house with "crazytown" and her big sis.  
• People have to deal with illnesses/sicknesses/situations that are so much more serious than colic.   I know of 4 people (yes 4) that have had to deal with still borns.   I will always remember baby Layla Grace, who died of cancer and broke the hearts of all that followed her blog back in 2010. This is something that will "fix" itself.   The challenge was to find out what worked for BG, to help her through it and make it as good as possible until she "grew out of it."
• I was allowed to get frustrated.   Despite the fact that I knew in my heart that this would pass, it doesn't make those months any easier.   I made sure that I took advantage of any time my mom or sister or BK offered to help out, hold the baby, do my laundry, do my dishes, cook me food, etc.  Friends offered to bounce BG on the exercise ball.   They brought me beer, iced tea, fountain sodas, treats and whatever else to keep me sane.  No one or nothing would make the colic end, but they adapted me as I adapted for BG.
• AT LEAST I AM NOT PREGNANT ANY MORE....   This allowed me to work out, play basketball and drown myself in a beer, margarita or glass of wine on occasion.   A margarita is good for the nerves.   Trust me.   I am not saying to drink a gallon.   Have 1.   You earned it.
• She won't sleep in her bouncy seat forever.....  If the only way we can both get sleep is to have her in the kitchen, in her seat, so be it.   I was less than 15 feet away, on the couch, enjoying the white noise from the exhaust fan.  When we graduated from the kitchen, it turned into me carrying her bouncy seat and putting it inside her crib with the humidifier blaring in her ears.  She slept in her bouncy seat INSIDE the crib until she was nearly 4 months old.
• I STILL HAVE A FULL TIME JOB TO GO BACK TO IN A FEW WEEKS!

Things I would say to someone with a colicky baby - RIGHT NOW:

• IT WILL GET BETTER!   It doesn't seem like it and it seems like that day is so far away.   Everyone will tell you this and you'll hate them for it.  You'll hate those friends of yours with the perfect babies that sleep through the night at 7 weeks old.  It's OK to hate them.   I'd rather the cute kid that will grow out of colic over that alien looking, perfect sleeper baby anyway.   :-)
• Listen to what others say, but only with a grain of salt. The truth of the matter is this - what worked for one screaming baby MAY or MAY NOT work for your screamer.   You'll have the people that push you with "OH YA, YOU NEED TO DO ______"  or "YOU NEED TO BUY _____"     "DON'T DO _______,  THAT NEVER WORKS.....  THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED _____"   Before you spend a fortune on 32 different types of nuks (I did and she won't take a single one), Dr. Brown bottles (I'm still pissed at those things), burning 30 extra gallons of gas a week on the CHANCE the baby may fall asleep in the car, use judgement to try things, but don't rely on that to be the end all and stress about it.    What works for one kid, isn't guaranteed to work for yours.   If they want to buy stock in gripe water and Dr. Brown, have a blast.   
• LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.   If you think that something just isn't right or something needs attention, speak up.   Don't feel like you're bothering the Pediatrician or the nurses.  That's their job.  They have to listen to your baby cry for 30 minutes.   You have to listen to the baby the other 23 1/2 hrs a day.   If something doesn't seem write or if you have suggestions, push them.   
• DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.  If there was a way to prevent colic, they'd have us doing so while we were pregnant.   They make us give up all sorts of stuff or feed us vitamin supplements to prevent defects, etc, but there's nothing out there that says "this will prevent colic 100%."  Don't feel like you "caused this."    Also, I actually felt more guilty about the fact that whenever she woke up from a nap, I was completely stressed and just wanted her to get to sleep again so peace could be maintained in the house.   There was little to no bonding..... well, I thought this anyway.   In reality, when you figure out things they like, you're bonding.....  You just may not be cuddling with them or co-sleeping.   The baby earns trust and starts to realize that you're "legit" and as time goes on, bonding happens....   It's definitely a different kind of bonding than with KT, but do not worry.... before you know it, she'll be 11 months old and clinging to your ever move.  :-)
• If you are at your wit's end and have no one to help you or take the baby for a few minutes, put him/her in their crib or somewhere safe and walk away for 5-10 minutes.   If the baby is going to scream in your arms, sometimes you just have to get a break...   He/she will be fine for a few moments in a crib and you can gather composure.  People roll their eyes about shaken baby videos and things you have to watch/sign in the hospital.   Colic babies are no joke and you can't lose your head.......  it's very easy to do so.   One positive thing is that you REALLY become desensitized to crying.   If KT so much as made a wimper, I had her scooped up in my arms.   With a screamer (especially one that's not an only child), the entire "Cry - it - out" approach is MUCH easier to do and sometimes necessary to survive.
• You may not feel like you're bonding with your baby.   I totally just felt like I was there for clinical reasons many times during those first few months.   I was pretty sure she didn't like me.   I didn't have the instant bond that I had with KT.   I loved her and wanted to care for her, but I am not sure what she thought of me in return.   Don't worry, before you know it, the baby will be 11 months old and you won't be able to put her down without major protest.   The bonding will come.

While all of this is nice to hear.........  It doesn't take the damn screaming away.   That mama is  exhausted (physically and emotionally) and may seem down and out.   You listen to constant screaming for 6 months and let me know how happy and unstressed you are.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS SINCE THE DAYS OF COLIC:

• Considering, BG couldn't handle a 5 minute trip in the van to the sitter's house without screaming, at 9 months old, we took a 12 hr car ride (1 way) to IL and she was PERFECT both ways.   
• BG went out to eat for the first time at 6 months old and did so with only minimal fussing/whining.  We went to a local family restaurant, ate dinner and came home in 1 piece.  
• At 10 months old, I managed to take both girls to a local kids' amusement park.  Alone.   Zero fussing and lots of fun.  Something I never would have attempted prior to 6 months without medication.
• Since BG was a mess and just wanted to sleep, there was little to no interaction between the girls for so long.   KT didn't want to touch, talk, look or have anything to do with BG.   "Put THAT down!"  (that = BG).  She would say "BG is crying again and it's making me crazy."
• Walks.......I can put BG in a stroller and she actually likes it.
• When BG was almost 2 months old, we managed to strip KT of her nuk.   Quite the accomplishment (KT was 2 1/2 and still used it for naptime/bedtime).
• KT was potty trained right at her 3 year birthday.   Thanks to the help of our baby sitter and pediatrician.   It was a little on the late side, but it's a miracle that KT isn't still in diapers at 3 1/2 considering how the BG's first 3 months went.
• Can take BG to the mall, grocery store, baseball game (we went tonight!), away on vacation
• At BG's 9 month appointment almost every nurse in the pediatrician's office commented on how they couldn't believe the turnaround from insanely cranky colic baby.  Makes you feel good that you're not the pain in the ass of the practice anymore.   Glad to pass that torch to some other new mama.

I do know that while we passed colic, the terrible 2's are coming.   Mark this day on your calendar next year.   I am sure we'll have many other things to discuss...

Like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8AHvtZNcIg

AND this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2hd0sF6pBA

;-)

Occuptional Hazard of Parenting #8....Kids say the darndest things, at the damndest times.

We all know that it's part of the gig.....   crazy things that kids say/do at the worst (or arguably best) times.   KT sat and rolled and crawled and walked early....   she was probably on the "average" side or slightly less when it came to words/speaking/conversations.   Who needs to talk when you can whine and point?   When you're the only kid/grandkid on my side of the family, and you're cute, the world is wrapped around your finger.  I remember reading things on facebook and in blogs about funny things their kids would say and do when KT was around 1.  I was really excited for those crazy/funny things to pop out of her mouth.....   It's a classic case of be careful what you wish for....

CUSSING:

Ah, so those that know BK and me probably cringed at the thought of the two of us being parents when they've heard the stuff that we've said.   BK is a truck driver, I'm a daughter of one.  Enough said.   After being around my cousins for a weekend, I seriously have to detox before I can enter any sort of professional setting, because lord only knows what the hell is going to come out of my mouth.   Thankfully, on the first day of my current job, we had a sales meeting and the F bomb was dropped about 5 times in the first 20 minutes or so.   Glad to know that's an acceptable word, when used in the right context at my job.  :-)

Anyway, I've really roped in the cussing around my kids.  Well, I thought so anyway.  KT makes it clear that I (well, her daddy probably more so) :-)  tends to slip up and forget on occasion.  Thankfully, these offenses have been minor and pretty infrequent;  quite an accomplishment if you ask me.

• Christmas Day, 2011.   My parents house.  Getting ready to sit down for dinner.   BK and I are all sorts of frazzled between xmas and KT being excited, too many gifts in such a small place and a 3 month old  miserable baby full of colic and reflux.  BK was either telling a story or something wasn't working right and out of his mouth came, "GOD DAMNIT."   KT was in the next room, sitting at the table, waiting for dinner.   "GOD DAMMIT, DADDY.   GOD DAMNIT."   My mother just looks at me.... so does my dad....   Merry Christmas! 
• Our former next door neighbors (the awesome ones from the previous blog) take KT to Friendly's (i.e. "the cafe") and one night they were on their way there and KT busts out in the back seat, "What the HAIL?"  Apparently, when she says hell, she gets a southern accent.   Definitely makes me look like the model parent when people are nice enough to take my daughter out for some Mickey Mouse pancakes.
• Before BK was off work on back surgery, I was having one of those crazy nights.....  BG was a fussy kid, the place was a wreck, I was hungry, but KT wanted to play out back on the swingset and wanted me to push her.   I could feel myself getting completely stressed out by the second and I blurted out, "KATIE!..... and then I stopped" She looked at me, and shook her head and said, "Jesus."   I am sure she wasn't praying either.  She totally finished the sentence for me...  I had refrained from saying it out loud...   sigh.

IN PUBLIC:

There's nothing like being completely humiliated in front of complete strangers that makes you appear like the most negligent parent ever.

• BG has been seeing a neurologist for her torticollis (another blog entry) since she was 8 months old.   Our office visits there are pretty long and the last time (after her MRI checked out OK), I took both girls myself.  I had my cell phone and iPod ready for KT to play with during the wait.  I tried to keep her from thinking about how bored it was and answered her million other questions (another blog, coming soon) asking me about the skeleton and skull and brains and princesses and whatever else passed through her little head.  Finally, the Dr comes in, sits down and says "So tell me about any progresses, issues, findings since our last visit?"  He barely got the last part of visit out of his mouth, when all of the sudden........  the loudest fart (I hate that word too, but writing breaking wind or passing gas doesn't cut it for this story) comes from the 3 1/2 year old beside me.   Not only was it a 6 on the Richter scale, it went on and on and on and on and on.......    I just sat there.  The Dr. just sat there.   After the quake, and about 15 seconds (seemed like hours) of silence of both of us pretending Katie didn't do what she did.  I finally mustered up enough courage to say, "Well, BG is crawling now and is using her left arm more and more each day."      Mortified.
• Around the same time as the visit to the neuro, I decided we needed to go to every KMart within a 20 mile radius to find this green butterfly outfit that my cousin just got for her newborn baby as a baby shower gift.   I failed miserably and kind of think that it wouldn't come in her size anyway  after further investigation (and visiting 4 KMarts).   While we were looking for the outfit though, we managed to find a few tutus and some other various odds and ends.  After doing my best to dodge any aisles with toys, and listening to KT's pleads for candy, lollipops and whatever else we saw between the tutu aisle and the cash register, I picked the closest cashier.  The only thing that would help me right now is 2 kids, strapped in car seats and not riding around trying to kamikaze dive out of the cart.  I happened to glance up and saw our cashier, long 80's hair, lots of make up, big hoop earrings, pearl necklace and I thought wow, she's tall.   She was a good bit taller than I am (and I'm 5'10").... and had a LOT of stubble.   We made eye contact.   I panicked.   I have no problem that this man is full out cross dressing and working at KMart.   I panicked because my 3 1/2 year old with NO filter was in the cart.   I immediately started to sweat profusely and couldn't change aisles because I didn't want him to think I didn't want a he/she as our cashier.   I just handed KT my phone and hoped that she wouldn't pay attention.   He (he had a male name on his name tag) said hello to me and commented to KT how cute she was.   I could have puked (again, only because I had no idea of what was going to come out of her mouth).  She looked up from her game to show him something on her "phone."  She said, "Look, my phone has........." and held her phone up and didn't finish the sentence.   She just stared.   I started to talk to her to distract her from the situation and finally she said, "Are those earrings?"   I am pretty sure he heard.   I changed the subject, got our receipt and made a dash for the car.   We got in the car, and were there for about 5 minutes when she finally said, "Mommy...why was that man at the store wearing makeup?"   I was so happy that she waited till we got into the car and I said, "I'm really not sure, KT."   She said, "Well, he's a boy and boys don't wear makeup mommy.   Girls wear blush and eyeshadow and lipstick."   My answer, "I know they do, KT.   Do you want to listen to one of your songs?"  Whew...dodged that bullet.
• Less than a month ago, I had the girls and took them to BJ's to get BG's formula.   It was a quick trip, in and out -- for my sanity and wallet.    We got up to the check out and I chose the line with an older lady as a cashier.  She was really nice and said hi to both girls.   She was missing quite a few teeth.   She started to ask KT a few questions and was interrupted with, "Did the toof fairy come to your house and give you money when you lost all doze teetf?"  I couldn't get "KT!" out fast enough.   Fortunately, the lady was super nice.   She said to me, "Oh honey, that's OK.   She doesn't mean any harm.   She doesn't know any better.   I love kids....I raised 7 myself and you'll never believe some of the things they'll say."   I tried to distract her.  "Well I am gonna brush my teef, so they don't fall out.   But when I get big, my baby teef will come out and the toof fairy will come visit when I go to sleep."  Yes KT........    got it.   
• While we were in IL over Memorial Day, we got the girls baptized.  We left PA 7pm on Friday, drove all night long and got to IL at 5AM (6 our time).   The kids were great in the car; they slept the whole way.   When we got to IL, they were ready to go and we just wanted to sleep, but that didn't happen.   After 11 hrs in a car, and a new environment and no nap, I was not sure how church at 5pm and baptism right after Mass would go.   KT flipped out because she was wearing a dress that had buttons on it.  We had to be quiet in church and she didn't like that either.   It was their first time in Mass, and it was pretty obvious.   BG slept most of it, so I was thankful for that anyway.   When it was time to Baptize the girls, we moved closer to the Holy Water.   KT protested, "I'M NOT GETTING THAT ON MY HEAD!"  That's how the Baptism started, and it went downhill from there.   While we were praying, Father started to talk about the history of Jesus and John the Baptist, etc etc.   Father looked at KT and said, "KT, do you know who Jesus is?"   She looked at him, scowled and said, "NO!"   Awesome....    Father said, "Well, he loves you very much."  Katie said, "NO.  I don't know him!"   It was seriously all I could do not to laugh...what else could you do?   This was my punishment for waiting till she was 3 1/2 years old to get her Baptized.   At that moment, I realized why this is done while the baby is still a newborn....and asleep.
• Our next door neighbor always had reddish hair with some blonde highlights.   One day, she decided to dye her whole head blonde.   KT wanted to visit, so we walked over and saw Mac standing outside.  She wanted to see Steph, so Mac let her go in the house.   It wasn't even 2 minutes and KT came back outside and said, "Mommy, I want to go home."   I thought it was unusual, since most days we couldn't peel her away from their house.   Steph came outside and pointed to her hair and mouthed, "She doesn't like it."   I asked KT what was wrong.   She said, "Steph's hair is black.  I don't like it."   (she used to get black and white mixed up).   I laughed and tried to explain what the heck was going on, but she wasn't having it.   She finally stopped telling Steph she didn't like her hair after a few weeks.   

Her new thing is to call us by our first names.   The other day, my mom was over and KT said, "Where's Blake?"  I answered, "He went to..... did you just call Daddy, Blake?"   She said, "Uh, yes..... dat's his udder name."   

We were making dinner later that night and KT was looking at the computer and then looked up, "Joan, I can't get this to work."   WTF.   I'm pretty sure I didn't even know my parents' first names until I was in school.

I am sure there are many that didn't come to mind right away....... and I'm sure they'll only get more interesting as time goes by.....    I have to admit, although some of me is mortified when she says things, a small part of me just wants to laugh hysterically and give her a high 5.   That's the best part about being a kid.   You can be BRUTALLY honest and totally get away with it.   

For more profound words from KT, you can follow her on Twitter, @k8e_kay

Occupational Hazard #7 - Mommy can't fix everything

When I started this blog, it was meant as a way to document funny stuff my kids said/did.  Things that I could not have predicted to be part of my life 5-10 years ago.   Things that mortify me, crack me up, exhaust me, annoy me, satisfy me about being a mom.   While I've got ideas for funnier things of which to write, this blog hit me the other night as I was on my way to basketball.

A group of friends and I play basketball on Monday nights (our season is now over, but will resume again after the holidays), and this is a night for us to get out of the house and pretend we're not old, pretend we're in shape, pretend we are still cool and to NOT stress about the day to day things that clog our brain.   It's a welcomed night out and sometimes is more stressful to actually accomplish getting out of the house depending on what else is going on, but I'm glad to be a part of it...even though our team is terrible.

Anyway, this is my night to NOT stress about being a mom and to let loose and have fun.  I knew we were playing a tough team and I had to get my head on straight on the way there.   Sure, it's summer league and meant for fun, but these teams are no joke and I have fun either way, but I have *more* fun when I play well too.

I just couldn't do it.   I couldn't get into the game.  I couldn't get "mad."  Even my teammates noticed that I was apprehensive and aloof.   My mind was preoccupied.   My brain was working OT trying to find a way to "fix" a problem.   Katie watches the Imagination Movers and their job is to come up with a solution to their "idea emergency."   They make it look so simple.

When we lived in our last home, we were plagued with the worst next door neighbor on the planet.  Inconsiderate, rude, overbearing, you name it.   OK, so maybe she wasn't the worst, but she sure as hell wasn't pleasant.   It was hot and cold with her.   There were times where we'd be cool, but that was always something that would change at any time, for any reason.

After we had a contract on our current house, we literally drove by every day.   Most times we'd just keep passing through, but sometimes we'd park on the driveway and swell with anticipation.   Sure the house we live in now needs "stuff."   It was built a few decades ago.... OK, half a century ago...there are things that need some updating.   We simply could.not.wait. to move in the house, despite what it "needed."   There were a few times where we did stop and we had a few conversations with our next door neighbors.  They seemed great.   I was leery at first, to be honest.  After we lived the almost 5 years of hell in our old house, it was almost too good to be true.    The day we moved in, they delivered a wagon with a crock pot....  chili and other goodies for us.   They had originally offered to help us move, but couldn't because of a surgery that had them preoccupied.  I couldn't quite understand why complete strangers would help us move into our house.   We had friends to help us, but it's not like everyone was beating down the door to help us move.   2 1/2 years later, it doesn't seem weird at all.  They really were that awesome.

Pretty much right away, they were great with talking to KT.   They had many grandchildren, older than KT, and really could relate with her.   By the time that summer rolled around after our move, KT was 1 1/2 and was "cute."   They'd always comment on her fancy shoes and she learned pretty quickly they were making a fuss over her; something to which she's pretty accustomed in her little life.  :-)

Things really changed around the time KT turned 2 and she was starting to talk more and more.   Often times, Mac and Steph (Mac is the name that KT gave him, so it stuck) would need some help from me to understand her, but she just loved that they were so interested in whatever she had to say.   KT quickly found out it was fun to visit because they often had grandkids there (who were all older, but she loved them all), played games with her, had toys for her that were different from the toys she had at our house and they always had food.....   fruit, freeze pops, chips in a cup...whatever.   They always treated her like a "big person" and she loved it.   It was like she had another set of grandparents, right next door.

While I was pregnant with Avery and getting ready for my sister's bridal shower, Steph asked if KT could come with them to go to the Fulton and see their version of "The Little Mermaid."  I was hesitant to let her go because I didn't know how KT would do and I didn't want her to ruin it for Steph or her grandkids.  It turned out, she did fantastic and that was the start of their "excursions."   Most of last summer, KT's extra carseat stayed in Steph's car.   They went to the "cafe" (Usually friendly's, but sometimes other diners) to get Mickey Mouse pancakes and lemonade.   Sometimes, Steph would take KT to the grocery store and just let her pick out random things.   It was always a treat to see what she chose....   funny how chocolate donuts and watermelon ALWAYS found their way home, though. :-)  They would go other places to run errands as well.   It was great for me to get a few things done around the house.  With BK on the road and a full time job, it was great for both of us.   She absolutely LOVED her time next door.     Mac always called KT his "Best friend that's a kid."

Each morning, (depending on how early or late I was), we'd see Steph leave or get to talk to Mac (if we were REALLY late).   KT would ask as soon as we got home EVERY time if they were home or asked where they were if their cars were not on the driveway.   After BG was born, the little trips were even more welcomed and appreciated by both KT and me.    BG was a mess of colic hell and KT wasn't getting the attention she used to get from me.   Both of them made a fuss over KT EVERY time they saw her and usually only talked to BG whenever KT wasn't around.   They knew that BG wouldn't know one way or the other and that it would mean so much to KT if they continued to show her the same attention.

I believe it was around March or April of this year that we got the news that they were putting the house up for sale.   KT was almost 3 1/2 and I knew she didn't quite understand what was about to happen.   Part of me wished that it wasn't going to happen.   I would be fine, myself, but how in the world would I explain this to KT?

As time went on, it became more evident that it was going to actually happen.  Every new house that was being built she saw, KT asked if that was their new house.   I think she had an idea, which made it a little easier to explain for me.   About a week before everything was final, KT was on the swing set and they were packing up things into the car of one of their friends.  KT started crying.   I asked what was wrong and she said, "I'm going to miss Mac and Steph so much."   I didn't know what to do or say.  I couldn't make that better.   It wasn't like a she skinned her knee... a Dora bandaid won't help.   It wasn't like she bent the corner of her puzzle piece....  scotch tape won't make them stay like it fixed the puzzle.

Her 3 year old heart was broken.   Granted, she's 3 and they're pretty resilient, but still....this sucked.   Maybe a small part of the move made me sad b/c it was such a stress relief for me at the most needed time.   I knew that they were there any second I needed anything (not that I actually called on them often, but just knowing that they were if I had called is comforting).

So what does this have to do about my crappy playing on Monday night?   They had settled Monday afternoon.   The house now belongs to a newly divorced woman.   Blake said it best, "That woman could offer us $1,000,000 and I'd still be pissed that she's there."   It's true.   Steph stopped by last night to give us something to give to the new neighbor, and KT was kind of moody.   I'm not sure if she was moody because she doesn't get what's going on or if it was just because she was tired and being moody is acceptable when you're 3 1/2.

I knew that being a mom was going to be hard.   I was going to have to give up going out whenever I wanted, give up sleeping in late, give up watching what I want on TV, going out to eat whenever I wanted....    I no longer get to play on my damn iPad because KT has to play Sims.   I can't really sit down at ALL right now because BG wants me to hold her every other minute.   Spending money on fun things all of the time is not happening because we need diapers and formula and to pay for preschool.   Sure, all of that is to be expected.   However, I don't know that we can properly prepare for that exact moment where your kid's heart hurts (for whatever reason) and you JUST.CAN'T.FIX.IT.  Nothing hurts my heart more than when something hurts my kid.   Not the temper tantrum because she wants "1 more show" or a juicebox when I told her it's time for her to drink milk.....  The true, deep down hurt that is not easily forgotten or fixed.

Sure, KT's going to be fine....we're going to be fine...  Everyone will still stay in touch.   Things won't be quite the same as being next door.....    Soon the new normal will become old hat and it won't sting as much....  But eventually, there will be something else that will "break" her heart that I won't be able to fix....   I guess that's the way it goes.   It's not only part of the "Mom gig," but it's also part of "life" and a lesson for KT.

Until that next time, I'll be thankful for the stuff in between and always grateful for Mac and Steph.  Thanks for being so awesome to my little girl.   I can still remember neighbors that lived on my block growing up (and they didn't do a fraction of what you guys did for KT).

KT, not cooperating.  Sending a "get well soon" message after Mac's knee surgery.

She loved this man and his "whistle" (pipe).

A kiss from Steph

KT's toys in the tree...  

KT's chair, in the garage

I couldn't keep her out of their pool last summer